Perspectives...

"We are all something, but none of us are everything"
-Blaise Pascal

Each and everyone of us view life differently in every situation. Whether or not you have the same view points, agree on dynamics of a certain topic, have the same religious back ground, or none if that, or any of the little things in between. You can think that the way you interpret existence is the only correct way of being, but it is not. We are all quick to judge those who do not think, speak or act the same way. We use our own lives and opinions to make judgement calls about others, when reality tells you that you are the one in the wrong for making that judgement in the first place. It might be more of ignorance of the dynamics of social norm that is clearly nonexistent in the present day, but a judgement is a judgement none the less. Will there ever be a time where camaraderie will be valued more than just a means of being and going through the motions of life, or can we live in a place where companionship means more than just knowing someone to benefit your own means. I'm not saying that friendships are just tools to boost your self-progression, but, more or less, they are means to a happy life, for you...

A value in life that is over looked a lot is being different. We are each lively in our own ways and need to see that same dissimilarities in others. Too often people run from a situation because they feel uncomfortable around those that are different. Yet those are the people that are usually the first to judge. They keep themselves in a conservative bubble and view the radical gestures around them as wrong. Who are they to say that what the 'bubble' is doing is the right way? Who is to say that the progressives are in the right to be outside of the bubble life? The truth is both in and outside views are wrong. The reason being- they put themselves in to a category of right and wrong and separate their distinctive view points. This makes it so hard for anyone to get along and see the other side when each is shut off by a distinct barrier built on ideas. Ideas- our own thoughts and opinions- are going to be the death of all of us. Maybe not a literal death, but the climax to an ethological demise.

Harold Nicolson:
"We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts."

Guilt

“You cut up a thing that's alive and beautiful to find out how it's alive and why it's beautiful, and before you know it, it's neither of those things, and you're standing there with blood on your face and tears in your sight and only the terrible ache of guilt to show for it.”
Clive Barker quotes

Guilt is the center of all things gone wrong. You do something you know you shouldn't have, and a feeling falls upon you just in time to know what you have already done was not the right thing to do and could have been avoided. To those who feel no guilt are liars. They hide behind an excuse of excitement and deception of their own feelings. I am sure you are all thinking of something now that you have done and really wish you shouldn't have.
There was one time in elementary school when I decided to kick a boy in his"not so nice to kick" areas just to see what would happen. I am sitting here laughing at it now because there is nothing I can do to change it but I remember standing in the hall talking to the Principal and the boy being investigated for some act I committed. I was guilty and in the wrong. I fessed up to it and was sent back into the class with no harm done to me and I now longer feel guilty. Now that was innocent childhood guilt. There are other forms of guilt that can drive people to their death. Some have committed such acts but are so far beyond social moral that guilt is not a part of their emotional complex. There is nothing left for guilt to eat away at; nothing left to cause their stomach to churn as they think about what they have done. I give my sympathy to such people not because they can't feel but because they never had a chance to feel humanity working at its best. We feel things to keep us human and slightly humble. If we all felt nothing, the world would be a dark cold place. We need emotions like guilt to keep us alive and moving. It reminds us all of what it means to be imperfections in a world where we believe ourselves to be the absolute characters.
Let guilt get to you. It teaches you the difference between what I should have done and what I could have avoided. Most of the time, those who say they don't feel guilty for doing the wrong is because they are trying to prove something. But if you have to avoid guilt to make a point then the point must not be very high worth. There is always another road to follow. Some times you have to manage through an unbeaten path to avoid obstacles but there is ALWAYS another road to take. Guilt is usually at the end of the easy path, so make a path of your own and set new grounds, better grounds, for those to follow after you.

I talk about guilt today because I am guilty of sins. I have done myself wrong and I put myself in that path. No one else. I lost my strength to build a different road and now suffer from the easy way out. Yet, I feel no pain. I used to, but not anymore. The feeling of guilt is gone because I have shield myself from the outcome of emotions I used to feel. It is like sitting in a scolding hot bath. Your initial reaction is to get out as soon as you can because it hurts you. But if every time you take a bath that hot, or hotter, you get used to pain and it is no longer scalding, its just water, but now you just can't feel the pain you should.

Guilt is need to keep you human. Guilt is feeling. Next time it talks to you, really listen to it. Don't just write it off as another feeling. It is there to tell you something so listen, before you get in so deep that it burns away what you have left, but cant feel it disappearing. My point of this blog is not solely for guilt but emotion and humanity. I can no longer see humility in people because they are so guarded by their own emotions and are scared to feel what they really need to feel. There are things that hurt physically and things that hurt emotionally. Feel the hurt of emotion. Wouldn't be able to feel that hurt if it didn't mean something. Take it from someone who has lost an emotion. It hurts to know that I should be feeling low and disgraced right now but I cant feel it anymore. The scolding hot water is burning away at me and I cant feel a thing. It is Ugly! Don't let yourself get to that point. Its worth the pain to start.

Regrets I can't get rid of...

I always say to never regret any thing you do. I am about to be a hypocrite. Two years ago, I was a freshman in college and just wanted to be free. I did the college thing and just had fun, flirted and took no time to see some of the best things I had in front of me. There is one person I regret the most not noticing. I am not going to mention a name because its not the name that counts but the extreme regret that I have every time I think about him. I just saw him and felt that I needed to step aside and write to you all and hope you never make the mistake that I did.

When I first got to the doors, he was one of two people that moved in early like myself. He was wearing a red baseball hat, blur t-shirt and jeans. It is nothing special but I remembre going to introduce myself and just being taken back by him. I dont know why it did not stick that year. Off and on I would want to spend every second with him and other times I could not stand to think that I liked him. He was a great guy and I could not bear to hurt him. I dont ever have luck with guys and I knew if i let us go anywhere I would hurt him. Well, either way, I hurt him. He told me that. That was one of the hardest things for me to ever hear. My heart dropped and I couldnt think of anythignto say and he walked away. I should have said something. Anything. Im sorry would be better then just standing there. Towards the end of the year we started to split ways and not talk. It was something comfortable at the time my chest hurts now to even think of how much of an idiot I was.

Last year, I saw him and we decided to try and hang out. We saw each other a few times and in this short time, I had the best kiss of my life. I was over a year of emotions built up into a few minutes. I will never forget the kiss. It is a simple act but when done right, it is beyond powerful. After that we both got busy and split ways again. I was left with more than the last time but now I have even more regret built up within that everytime is see him I just feel like crying. I want to fall at his feet and beg for his forgiveness but would be taken as a fool. I could just talk to him again but I have tried, but have not had much result. I dont know what to do, but he has a piece of me that I dont know how to get back. Not love but a connection within myself that connects me to him that I cannot turn off and give to someone else. I regret everything that I never let myself accept. I regret not opening my eyes to something beautiful. I could have had what I have been looking for my entire life and still am now that I let it go.

I want you all to give it a chance. If you have any chance at all, even if you dont think it will work out, just take it. It could be a dream come true. If you let that person walk away you could have let your dreams walk away too. To all the girls that read- Dont be affraid of getting hurt. It hurts more to know that you could be happy and let that happiness walk away then to have something great then lose it. To the guys that read this- dont give up on us. We neve kow what we want till its gone. Its a complicated system but trust me, if it is ment to be it will happen in due time. I might not end up with my prince charming but I just wish I gave him a chance. His the one who makes me a hypocrite but I am learning: you never know what is ment to be until you give it a chance.....

Like a Bird.

One day I just want to be able to fly away. Leave and go where ever I please with nothing but the wind at my tail. I want to soar high above the world and look down upon the little things. I could see the top of every mountain, soar through every cloud, graze the surface of every ocean and at the end of the day, still be free. Free from all the chaos. Free from what the life on earth brings every day. One day I am going to fly. I will be a bird and spread my wings. I will chose to run from everything but be scared of nothing. I can reach the end of the sky and fall free to the ground. I want to roam and be free. Free is something we don't really have any more. We are never truly free from anything. We all have strings that tie us down. They are sometimes people, sometimes jobs, always rules and never any fun. We have to stay in the lines and do what is told of us. We can try to run but everything stops us. If I could have the wind at my back and nothing in the world to tie me down, I would be gone. I want to travel the world, but the strings are money. I want to roam free, but boundaries tie me down. I love my strings that tie me to family and friends, but sometimes they just pull too hard and I can no longer breathe. I want my place that I call home to be only where I land. Home, the hold on my feet keeping me to the ground. If I were a bird, the world would be great. I could be shot out of the sky; at least I would die free and happy, doing what I love. Love, the ultimate bond to earth. It keeps people grounded beyond imagination. Love will bury your soul in the furthest depth of the earth. No strings are needed because love is so strong, you can not come out to breathe. Is Love what we want to keep us on the ground or is it what we find because we are too scared to fly away and be free? Can you really live alone and be happy? Or do you have to bury yourself in the ground for love to find security. Why is it that we look so hard and deep for a single emotion? Can we love and be free? Is that something achievable?

I know we can never fly away and we can never be truly free, but if you follow your own heart you will be as close as you can ever be. Do what your heart longs to do. Do not follow someone who is going to hold your heart in a jar, tied down with strings. If you want to love, then love, but only give your love to the one who will give just as much in return. If you want to fly solo, then fly solo. Do not let the little things keep you grounded, for in the end, they will be the things that destroy you. Explore. Alone or together, get out and see the tiny world. It is not as large as we imagine, yet there is so much that people never see. They are kept in the egg in which they were conceived. They still have yet to hatch and many of us die before we can truly break the shell open. Break your shell. See the light which life has to offer and roam.

If you do anything in life, do it for your freedom. Be free of all strings that tie you down. Follow the path that will lead you to an open field of endless imagination. Be a bird today. Soar. See the little things. Dream. It will show you where your journey can lead you. Act. Do what you want to do and enjoy what you do. Live. If you do anything, the least you could do is live for yourself. Everything else will fall into place. Break the strings of the puppet master and live, act, dream, soar, and explore. You, too, can be a bird today. Why wait?

"Some People's Children"

This blog entry is inspired by some recent news of a close family friend of mine. Their eldest child had their phone stolen at school. The cop at the school along with videos cameras around the school leads the authorities to one student but doesn't have enough evidence to convict them. A comment I heard about this report was "Some people's children". Isn't that the truth!? I hear that a lot now a days and always wonder, what goes through these parents head to think that it is acceptable for their children to act like that? It was never OK, is not OK now and should never be justified as OK. I'm not only talking about stealing but poor behavior in general. There is a lack of quality parenting in our society, and needs to change before we have more children growing up thinking it is permitable to steal, cheat, be violent, and execute other behaviors that are corrupting the children of following generations. My generation could have engaged enough in this demeanor, too, that creates a direct affect on those to come and those before us. I see people my age who act like five year old who think it is still adequate to conduct this sort of routine, because their parents still treat them like kids and don't have discipline. That is unacceptable in my book.

You might disagree with some parenting skills but some are just needed to raise a child properly. Discipline is the first step. I'm not saying hitting your kid is justifiable, but if they act up, an open hand to the bottom with reasonable force is appropriate. I was spanked plenty in my childhood and trust me, I deserved almost every bit of it. Now I feel like I have learned lessons through disciplined and know when behaviors are welcome and others are not. Stealing, lying or cheating are the the top three I have been taught as inappropriate no matter where or when. Manners are also a prime commodity in my book. If you don't have the common courtesy to say "please" and "thank you", then you don't deserve the reward. I have been reading a book by Ron Clark about classroom management and one of his rules is you must always say please and thank you. I think that is great. If you are given something you must say "thank you" or he would take it away. That teachs the students how to use manners in every situation. Also, you don't get what you ask for until you say please. Its that simple. Three, little, words can make a huge difference and they don't even take five seconds to say. Parents do not teach the simple things any more. What has caused this shift in parenting? There are great parents out there still, but they are scarce. It is great to see a kid that is well behaved, respectful and uses manners. I was walking out of the DMV a few months back and a boy, no older then twleve, held the door for me. I was in such awe that I almost for got to say thank you. I wanted to just stand there and see how long it took to wake up from the dream. It is terrifying to think that such a tiny gesture brought out so much inner emotion. I applaud the family for that young boy for teaching him manners and chivalry. Not beacuse I feel the need to be waited on but it is common curtosy to hold a door open, but is a rare occurance in this day and age. Where have all the children like that gone? When did it become cool to be the jerk and disrespectful?

I have had discussions with several friends about how they were raised. The ones that have a good head on their shoulders and know the rights from the wrong and know what boundaries are, were disciplined. The others, who were merely scolded, they are not aware of reality and life principles. There is a major separation between those who grew up with a highly disciplined family and those who didn't. Neither of which are better than the other if carried out properly. Some people learn rights and wrongs through verbal action, and others need something more tangible to understand.

"Some people's children". What kind of child do you see when that phrase is uttered? Is it your child? Is it someone else's child that you know? Was it you...? OR is it still you? If you answered "yes"to the latter, you would be correct. Not all of us have been raised where every single one of our actions are approved by others. To them we were raised incorrectly, but does that mean we were? Or is there truly a way that is the right and wrong way to parent?

I know I am going back and forth with the idea of proper parenting from my introducton, but like I said, does that mean what I grew up was the right way. For me, yes. Others probably couldn't handle it. I do believe there is a wrong way to parent but there will never be one flawless way of parenting. I must also make a note to those who grew up with multiple parenting styles, as well. These are the children who, first, have parents that do not agree on a parenting style so are torn between the caregivers, or second, parents are divorced and re-married so the step-guardian introduces a new breed of conduct into the household. We are all exposed to different envirnments growing up which creates different perspectives on what we believe to be right and wrong. When you walk around today, look around you. What do you see people doing? What do you see kids doing? What are the parents doing? Reflect on what has brought you to where you are today. Are you the kind of person you want others to see. Are you the rude one or the respectable one? You should be able to look at yourself and say you like who you have become or have been brought up to be. If not then start raising yourself. I had to do some work on myself to be who I am. I make sure I use my manners and know that nothing is always gonig to go my way, so dont expect it or throw a fit if it isnt your way. None of us are perfect and neither are our parents, but it never hurts to try and be the perfect person you want to be.

~The Magic Words will be the start of true bliss!

The Mirror made simple.

Have you looked in the mirror today? Chances are you have. What did you see in the mirror? Yourself I would assume, but what else? Anything? Was it just you? Was really you?

When we look in the mirror, we hardly ever take the time, if any, to look at the person who looks back at us. We can see what it is on the outside that everyone else can see, but rarely look past that. Next time you look in the mirror, I want you to take the time to look past the reflection, and go deep into the eyes, heart, and soul. Find out who is it that you see everyday looking back at you. You be thinking this is ridiculous, I already know who I am. But do we really have a clue to who we really are until our life is over? Things in life change everyday. Whether it is a new job, meeting new people, etc. Look at how you got to where you are today. Why do you do the things you do? Were you influenced by others to act the way you do, the way you look, or even the way you talk? We all pick up habits from others if we see it or not. You can look at a close group of friends and see similar character tendencies between each of them. They tend to talk the same, wear the same clothes, and enjoy the same things. But have we ever thought of how we get to that point. We didn't always talk in slang, wear that style or listen to similar music. We all change. This is why we need to take the time to look in the mirror. DO not just look at the reflection but go deeper. Look at your hair, your clothes. What does that all mean to you. Go beyond that now and understand what makes you tick. Do you put on the clothes you do because of others or your own personal pleasure. What is it that makes you keeping going from day to. Why can you walk down the street everyday and be you (if you are even being you). Yes, it is possible to live everyday and not be yourself. We have all put on some sort of front at a point in our lives. Some people live everyday for others and some don't even know how to live the day for themselves. It is OK to be selfish every once in a while and take you time. The time you get to be you and only you. You do nothing for any one's pleasure, it doesn't matter how you look or even talk. Just be yourself. You should do something you love. Something that will make you wake up the next morning and be grateful that you are blessed with a new day. Take time to find out who you really are and why you can call yourself "me".

I was talking to my roommate recently and we discussed life. Our main point of the conversation was about how girls seemed reliant to find the man of their dreams today. The group of girls I am referring to are young college aged women who have their who life ahead of them still. Why are they set on finding that perfect guy now? Is who we are determined by who we have at our side? I hear all the time "why is he with her?" sort of remarks. Does it really matter why he is with her? A lot of times I hear it in context of jealousy, which makes perfect sense, but I also hear it from people sitting around a table when we are out to dinner about someone across the room. What makes the human mind so quick to judge? We are all guilty of it. Vanity emphasised in the media, fashion, personalities of the girls scripted on TV. It is everywhere. We are bred to be vain. It is the American way of life and the world can see it, but that does not bother us.

The image of "self" has been demolished through modern ideals and imperfections. Who are you really. GO, find yourself. you are inside somewhere and don't be afraid of who you are are what people think of the real you. There will always be someone there to be your mirror. Just don't let what others want you to be, to become your reflection. The world gets boring when everyone conforms. Be the one that is different, be you.

There are at least two kinds of cowards. One kind always lives with himself, afraid to face the world. The other kind lives with the world, afraid to face himself. ~Roscoe Snowden

A little something I like to call impulse anger...

A boy just told me I shouldnt have fallen for him because he didn't want to break my heart. He was so concerned about not wanted to break my heart that all I could do was laugh. I thought he might listened when we talked many times before but I guess he just didn't hear me. I have nothing left to break. I had to stop him on our walk and look him in the eyes and tell him to stop worry about breaking my heart because I have a wall there that not many people can really get through. He thought he got through that wall! Really?! yes I liked him but there are many other aspects of the relationship we had that did not give him the right to assume he could break through that layer. I am done with every thing they have to offer. They dont deserve any of it. any of me anything that I might have that they might think they want. They wont get any of it! twenty years of almost good enough is bull shit! I hear things like 'wow i cant believe you are still single.' 'you are a great person but I just cant.' or the best one thus far...'you are great and we have something amazing betweeen us, but I would rather date a girl i work with.' WHAT!!!!? really? I am done and over all of them! they are worth nothing and do no good for anything. They are all the same. Power hungry, pigs who dont know how to use the head on their shoulders for anything decent. It is all just a waste of space, time, money, energy and a life. there is no point. All they do is ruin lives! plain and simple!

A few days later-
So I decided to edit this blog and add an extra commentary as a reflection emotions and impluse feels that many of us tend to have. More than likely, in a situation of stress, anger, sorrow, ect. we tend to act on impulse feelings rather than taking the extra second to realize what we are about to get ourselves into. What I published above was just that. I had so much built up in me that I didnt take time to think about what I ws really writting. I am clearly not going to give up on love or men. They are an essensial to many great things in the world, like family and protection. There are times where I feel, yes, they are ass holes, but girls are also bitches too, so it all works out in the end. If we take time to put things into perspective, things would go a lot smoother and there would be less pain in the end. And this isn't just talking about love, it is all decisions in general.
I took the time last night to talk to this other that he is trying to get to know as well and realized that she is a pretty decent girl. I dont know her well enough to rant and rave but she seems like a nice girl. I dont blame him for being attracted to her because she does have a well rounded personality. I am happy if he is happy with his what he chose. I just needed an answer and the answer I got was not what I was hoping for, so it took be back. I am just happy and greatful now that someone finally gave me a straight up no, rather than trying to beat around the bush. It helps a lot to know where a person stands, and this boy and I are still very close. Nothing has really changed. It is an odd situation but it works for me some how. One of my best friends told me to never give up on him, and I dont know if i will. I will always be happy to be his friend. If it never get to be more than that, then that is just fine with me.
We should always learn something from someone and from him, I found a place in my heart that I know what I really want now. Our little discution opened my eyes to what I have been looking for and what is really out there that will make me truly happy. I found the fantacy and it didnt work out. Now it is time to move forward and find reality in true love and happiness. It may not be perfect along the way, but I will take the gifts given to me along the way. I have so much more in life I want to do for myself and with others. There is no need to dwell on the past, it cannot be changed. Look to the future because that is where the answers lie.