I just deleted an entire paragraph of blah! I have no creative juice in me, I have no energy to try and make something up and I am drinking away the to nothing. This is my life right now. Full of nothing! It is work, school, and some sleep. Even over summer I had work and school. That is my life and before you know it work is going to be school. Dont get me wrong, i am excited to be a teacher, but is that really all I am going to have in my life is school and work?
I long for so much more everyday but there nothing there to grab onto. This is going to be a short post to represent how much nothing-ness I have right now. There is NOTHING!!!!! just blank space in my mind doing nothing! BAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Parents

We all have a story of our parents. Whether they were in our lives or not , we all have some sort of idea what a parent is. Parents have been the focal point of many of my conversations lately, mine as well as other's parents. I am blessed to have two great parents who raised me to be an honorable, responsible young woman. It was a tough growing up, but those of us who didn't have a perfect childhood (that would be no one) can relate. We all take after our parents whether we like it or not. It is one of those things we cannot avoid.
Over the past few years of living out of my parents house, I notice more and more the little things I have picked up from each parent. I have a few of my mom's nervous habits and diagnostic tendencies and my father blunt humor and style of how I meet new people. Things start to come together a little more when you are on the outside. I see the things that drove me crazy now. It is like watching a play by play of a movie of my life every time I am around my parents. All the things that I hated when living at home are all still there, just now I can walk away from them and go to my house and be in a state of peace.... well for the most part. The idea that I would turn out to be like my mother of father haunts me. I don't want to be them. I don't need to have the habits or personalities they do. I am my own person.
I see others who are still under the curse of the parental power. They go home dreading the little things that go on in the normal home for them. A girl that is really close to me still lives at home. She hates every bit of it but cant move out (reasons unrelated to this topic). I watch her and her mother interact and they are exactly the same but they drive each other crazy! I almost made the mistake of telling her she is exactly like her mother but quickly stopped myself before I lost an eye or two. Neither of them see the source of their frustrations, which is the funniest thing to me on the out side. I would bet ten bucks, once she moves out, all of her stress and bickering and all of it will disappear. However, I don't see that happening anytime soon.
There are others ( such as my sister) who know how to feed into the developmental presses called perfection. I know no one out there is perfect but to parents, there is. The perfect is one who knows how to counter-act the personality of each parent in a way to save them from the burden of scolding. My sister has my mom's perfected. My mom needs protection and being taken care of and my sister is a care giver. My dad on the other hand, well lets just say when my sister starts caring a little too much, I think he feels threatened and they do not need to be in the same room when that happens. They fight for the power of the house.On my end, I just laughed because 90% of the time they would argue over nothing just to try and prove a point. I would jump in every once in a while to try and stir things up a bit. I learned fast though that it is not a good idea to say to either of them, "you do nothing around the house". Apparently, the was the wrong thing to say. I got roped into a tornado of word thrashing that I was no where ready for. I look back on it now and see the stupidity of it all. However, time and time again, every time we are all together someone has to seek out their territory. Nothing really does change I guess, you just get less of it when you no longer live at home. That is one of the greatest breaks of all.

Each of the little things we carry down from parent to offspring makes up the life we know. It creates diversity in the world. Some of it is good but many times, personalities just do not make great diversity. I have seen those who have similar personalities bump heads more than those who have different personalities. I might be one of those yin and yang things where people fit just right together, while those who are similar are more like oil and water. They just do not mix. One person has to be the one on top and there can only be one. That might be a horrible example but you get my point. (If you don't, go to the kitchen right now and pour a splash of water and splash of oil in to a cup and see what happens.)

We cannot escape our past and it will stick with us in our future. We can't expect our lives to be perfect and we cant look to our parents as every problem of our existence because we have power over our own bodies to make the difference we want to see in ourselves. We might pick up the habits of our parents but it means they just gave us enough of them to get through life, or at least part of it. Thank them for the good things you got from them and forgive them for everything else you don't agree with. They are your elders but you need to be yourself and someone else's elder one day, so don't let their hurt get the best of you.

Live Laugh Love~

The ones who come and go...

Lately, I have heard people talk about the people you need in your life. I have said many times before, the ones you need in your life are the ones who stick around and show you they need you in theirs. I know how cliche that sounds but it is the honest truth. Im sure we have all been hurt by the ones who leave. It is normal. It is safe to assume it hurt because you left a part of you with that person. Im not only refering to lovers but friends as well. In a life time, we all see friends come and go as we change throughout out lives. Its normal and happens to everyone. As mush as we dont like it, getting hurt from those who leave is the best ways to learn life lessons. Like people say, you never know what you have until it's gone. Look back at those in your life that it has hurt to lose. What did you learn from them? Did it change the way you now live your life? I had a great talk with a co-worker and mentor about my life and the hurt I have had. I know it is not as bad as some but for my life, it changes the way I see others. That is a lesson. During this talk, I brought up a recent boy I was with and how he just stopped talking to me. I brought up the point that it did not hurt that he left. I was numb. I was hurt but only because, I had left a part of me with him and it no longer hurt ti just let it go. I am so used to guys leaving that it did not hurt. Has life become a one man game? Are we all just here for one another's needs then leave? People are hear to teach us lessons. We may never know what purpose some people have in our lives until much later, or may never know. Or we might have been their lives to teach them a lesson. Never take the people in your life for granted.
For example, there has been a guy at work gossiping about me and my best friend and it is making us furious. I have started to have feelings of disgust towards him and being very bitter. If you know me, I am hardly ever a bitter person. I realized, he was the guy who practically got me the job. With this job, I met my best friend and someone else I can share my life story with and know she can relate. If I had never met that guy, I would be in a place of hate and misery. They have helped me through the past few months in ways they will never know or understand. I owe that guy my life at this point. I realized, he was in my life to help me find two saints and he doesnt even know it. He is about to leave the store, probably because he has nothing more to do there. He has helped all he was supposed to and his life journey is moving forwards.
I think people come and go from our lives at the exact right times. We may not think it but, fate has a way of making things work out in the end. The song of my choice right now is "Second Chance" by Shinedown. It talks about leaving the ones you love, can be the best things for you. It has personal meaning, not only because it is exactly what I did, but I have seen so many relationships mended by leaving. There have been parent-child relationships fixed, friendships change for the better, and love can be found.
I'm not saying when the going gets to leave. That defeats the purpose of growth. I want you to take from this: the ones you have, the ones you have lost, and the ones you have yet to change your life. Dont be affraid to get hurt. Taking chances can be the best things for you. No one ever got far in life waiting for the candle to light itself. You have to light the candle to see the beauty around you. Sometimes the flame will burn out but all you have to do is light it back up. You can see so much more with the light in your hand, than with none at all.
Let others know when they have blessed your life. They should know that they have done good in their life. It is a satisfaction that is indescribable. Everyone deserves to know why they were in your life.

All Cards on the Table

The other day I got my tarot cards read and surprisingly, it hit close to home. You never exect any of that sort of stuff to affect you but it did. For one of the cards she told me that there was a male in my past that hurt me. I know that can go for almost any girl for any guy but the way she said things, it was different. I had a guy that I let myself get really close to last summer. It was the most fun I had ever had with someone in a long time. It was one of the best connections I had had with a guy in a long time, if not the first real connection. We could talk about things that we had never told anyone before. It wasnt just another guy, he ment something. That doesnt happen very often for me. But with the cards on the table, the summer of my dreams became a pit in my stomach and I almost lost it. He hurt me recently, and I still dont know how to deal with it all. We never had a title so its not like I could make him a chapter in my life, but he was the guy from that summer. The best summer ever. The teller said everything I didnt want to hear.. I have to move on... I dont know how. Its like that one person died, but not really. They are still alive and kicking in their own little world leaving you in the dust. Some times you have to wait for the dust to settle to get a clear view of what was really ment to be. I am still waiting for my dust to settle. The dust cloud is so big, I still feel him next to me at night when I sleep. Any time I have a guy hold me in his arms, I just want it to be him. We fit together like that perfect shoe you wish they had in every color and never goes out of style. I had dreams and he is that guy I was looking for.
One of the things she told me was I knew this person better than most did. I could see their true colors, well I could. He was hurt and tried so hard not to show it. He would just lay there and say things out of the blue that just seemed like they had been bottled in side for a long time. He would communicate through his songs. I could always tell what kind of mood he was in because of the lyrics to the songs. I would lyrics from him al the time. They would be playful or flirty, everyonce in a while they would be angry when he had a bad day at work. Even after I left to go back to school he would send lyrics about people leaving and wishing them to come back. we had it all, we had everything but time. Its gone now. We no longer have eachother. I was cut off. Just one day out of the wild blue younder, I got the call that cut me off. He was gone. It was all gone. There was nothing I could think to do. I have nothing to turn to, no one here was there. I dont think it has all really hit me. More and more I feel broken and lost. In 2 weeks it will be a year since the last time I saw hos face in person. My birthday. Thats the day I last saw him, great Birthday present, I was left. I didnt think that would be the last time I would ever see him, but it was. We kissed goodbye like we had been doing it for years, but it was perfect. The best kiss I have ever had was that night! Nothing has ever come close to that night. We fit perfect at that point.

Ever since that goodbye, nothing has been the same. No one can ever fill those shoes. The dream is gone. I try to make a new dream to make a new reality but it just goes back to the same one. Was I supposed to leave? I had thoughts of staying for him. We talked about trying to make it work. We wanted to be together. It is all gone!

I have gone through guys trying to find something even close, and when I do, just as its getting to be good, they leave. Its all gone once again. I have a theory that life has a sick way of repeating the big events in your life. This was big and it just needs to dissapear. I need to get out of the trance and get a new life a new path with out any of the hurt.

I have great people around me right now that make me want to wake up in the morning. Friends are an essencial to life itself. But they cant fill that dream of love. You can love them and know every little thing about them but they cant fill that little void of love in your heart. I want my dreams to stop fucking up my happy times in life. I get happy and my dreams come through and fuck it all up. Not just a little blup, but a big fuck up! It hurts to want to be loved, it hurts to fall. I dont want to end up at the bottom face down again. Its not a place for anyone to be. No one deserves that.

As I lay all my cards on the table, The past comes to life. It really all happened. What's next? What do i do now? I guess there is only one thing left to do anymore... let go. I have to move forward and know that next time I lay my cards, they wont just got into another deck. they will be the perfect hand for someone. Our cards will line up and that will be the end of it. I will be happy. plain and simple... Happy!

regrets and risks...

Life is full of risks and regrets. There is nothing any of us can do about it either. We have to take risks to get anywhere and life and we regret many choices we make along the way. Many good opportunities arise in life but most people miss out on them because they are too afraid to take the risk. There is too much of a chance to fail when taking risks. You can just off a cliff and hope your parachute works, but there is always that 1% chance that yours is the one that doesnt open, so why put yourself in any danger. Just walk away and all is fine, right? That is a question I cannot answer but regret can. Will you look back 10 years from now and think, 'I should have jumped'? how much could a simple leap change your life? Every leap changes your life path. each turn in the road will lead you to something different based on each choice made.

Have you ever risked you life for someone else's?

What risk did you take today? Do you regret it?

I ask myself these questions often. I used to live in a box. I didn't want to put myself out on the line and end up getting hurt. I still got hurt anyways. The first risk I took, broke my heart. It was a boy, I jumped for him and right before I thought I was going to land, he cut my strings and left me to fall face down. I had no idea I could hurt like that. I still feel the pain after years have past. I stopped taking risks after that. Especially, not jumping because of a boy. I was broken and torn. I lived everyday pulling myself back from a disaster. I had no one there and I regret not reaching. But at that point my "friends" still didn't care how much I hurt inside. As I learn from my very first jump, I regret blaming him for all my pain. I should have seen it coming. There were so many signs that flashed at me, telling me I was going to get hurt. I can see those signs now. I leap off a short cliff everyonce in a while to see what new tricks are out there. sometimes, you get pushed off the cliff with nothing to hold you back. But mid-fall, everyonce in awhile, someone is there to fall with you. It tends to make the crash a little more enjoyable. You can look up together and laugh at those who push you over the edge.

Life has a funny way of hidding the beauty of strength and risk. At the fork in the road, you can go right or left. To the right, there is a path covered with shrubs and rocks. To the left, there is a clear path with a smooth terrain. Most people would take the left path. Would you agree? What if you were told, at the end of the path on the right there was a pot of gold and your true love. And, at the of the left path, there is still a smooth path, flat lands ending in an average field. which path would you take then? Would you brave the dark woods and rocks slopes, or would you play it safe and follow an easy path? After finding out what the end prize is, it might be obvious what a lot of people would choose. So, why do we not take the risk in the first place. Do we always have to have to answer inorder to jump?

We see movies of superheroes fighting villans. There are movies a young woman trying to prove herslef in society. Men, defeating a whole army. Why are we not like that in real life? We too can be our own heroes, we just dont have the guts to risk it. everyone has dreams and asperations, but only a few are actually achieved. Clearly, winning the lotto is not something that happens often, but for the sake of this topic, it is not something one can control themselves. I am talking about peoples dreams to become something or someone. There are means to reach your goals and sometimes you just have to fight for them.

Today, I was talking to one of my friends who is trying to figure out what she wants to be. At first it was a teacher. recently, she has been talking about becoming a nurse. When we were talkign about it at work today, another worker and myself were telling her how competative each program is. After some disscusion, she seemed to pull herself away from those. I sucks to see people bring themselves down when they know they have to reach a requirement. It is a readable goal, but they do not have mental will to leap and try to land. She has been pushed off the cliff many times now. It just hurts to see how much she has fallen alone. I am trying to help her build up the strength to climb back up the mountain and let her jump on her own and show her, it is possible to land on your own two feet.

Risks and regrets happen everyday. You risk your life getting in a car or walk across the street. They are so habitual that you dont even realize the risk. But there is that one person that gets hit or runs off the side of the road, that changes someone else's life now. So why do we take those risks, but not the others. A car can kill you. Love can hurt but it won't end your life. Maybe thats the answer. You can't die from love. If it breaks us, we still have to go on. We are forced to fight through the pain. Same with rejection. We have to live with the feeling of not being wanted. It hurts so bad sometimes that you just want to die but you cant. you have to live with it everyday, hoping it will just go away. Hopeing you never have to feel that way agian. You have great memories but it makes you sick to think about how good it felt. Nothing is ever the same after being push. It a deathly pain that never goes away. Its life.

Never give up though. Tomorrow you could me the person who is supposed to make everything better. Tomorrow is a new day that brings new life. It is one more day past the pain. One less day with out the one who hurt you and one more day with the ones you love. Life is unpredicatable so dont think you ever have anything completely figured out, because once you figure it out the answers will change. only time can tell you what lies at the end of the path. It is your choice; The path to the right or the one to the left. Just remeber, nothing is ever the way it seems.

Youth...

Today I was asked by a friend to help be a mentor/ role model for some of the young girls she knows. I was honored to help out and meet up with them. The two young girls are not so young in thinkng. They are going to be juniors in HS and are no longer virgins. They just seem so young to me. I know when I was that age, people were losing it like it was nothing, but when you look at it a few years down the road, there is so much more to think about then relationships and life plans with a significant other. I never had a boy friend in high school I had little flings here and there, but moving around a lot doesn't really give you time for anyone. I want to be a teacher but there are certain life lessons people have to learn on their own. I can't prevent heart breaks or tell someone the secrets to get through the hardships in life. That ruins all life lessons. You have to go through the heart breaks and the extreme lows in life to value the things that are truly important. The lessons teach you who true friends are and who are the "friends" that are just using you. I have had friends ask me what they should do in situations and the only thing I can really do is stand by their side and carry them when needed and offer support. But I could never tell them what to do. It is not my role to play fate. It hurts to get broken down by those you thought you could trust. I have hit rock bottom many times, and sometimes wish it could end there. Then I realize that would be losing and letting those who do not deserve to win, have the victory. That's when I take all the strength I have left and pull myself out of the crap hole im in and keep pushing through life. People have told me they honor how I can be so confident with myself, but in reality its just me in a situation that I have conqured. I wish I could be young and nieve, or some times just nieve like the other adults around me. It seems like such a happy little place to be. I want a little relationship to be my entire life. Unfortunately, I have no control over that. I have a mind that works on its own. There are days when I cannot control the things going through my head. Simple things like two minute phone calls is extremly difficult. I grew up in a house hold where I had no youth. I had to skip that and try twice as hard as everyone else to keep up. I had to satisfy my parents and try to reach the standards my older sister set, which my parents expect me to meet as well. They told me so many times that they think they have what I do. They have NO IDEA what I go through everyday! I live a "normal" life with a pill. Off the pill, Im a nobody, a nothing to them. They can say they are proud of me, but the tone of their voice says, it was ok for now, better luck next time around.
I love my sister to death, but sometimes I wish she could spend a few days in my shoes to see how her actions have screwed my life over! Everything she has done, is exactly the things my dad was hounding me to do. She goes to his college, studied abroad, gets outstanding grades, is involved in the dorm management, has the perfect friends to bring home to the parents and, my parents never questioned her motives. I, on the other hand, go to a school studying for a mediocre proffesion, have average grades, I don't plan on studying out of the states until I get my teaching licsense, Left the dorms asap, I dont have too many friends that I like to bring home to parents because not may stay around so there is no point to introducing someone if they are just going to leave in the first place, I am constnatly questioned about boys, boose and drugs. It is such a double standard to impress the parents. Its quite funny to look at. My aunt, Dad' sister, is my "go to" girl for anything. She was the troubled sibling and I trust her because she is one of the only people that understands what I mean when venting about my padre, and stress of mental chaos. My family has no idea who I really am and I am embarassed to tell them how I really feel and who I really am. My sister started calling me FedEx after Cheaper By the Dozen came out becasue I dont fit into my family just like the little boy. The sad thing is, that family in the movie searched the entire town looking for the boy in the end. If that happened, Im pretty sure it would take days for them to nice. One of 12 was missing, I am only 1/4 of a family. If I could only be nieve.

What is love? I dont think it is anything real. no one can explain it. It just seems like a plea for people to fullfil an empty place. love only ends up killing people in the end anyways.

Intro...

This is my blog on the realities of life through my eyes. I have always need some place to put my ideas and tons of journals just never seem like enough, so I figured I would share my thoughts with others and hopefuly get feed back. Just as a forewarning, I am a horrible speller and I apologize ahead of time. I have seen many different kinds of people in my lifetime. Some of which I have grown to charish in my life and others who are complete idiots. Stupid people piss me off. A lot of people put me in the "stupid people" category only because they do not take the time to get to know me. If you do not have time for someone then you are not worth their time. I have seen so many people waste time on others, when they don't really care in the first place. That is a waste of a life and opportunity. I can honestly say that I have spent time on others, when, looking back on it, they were a waste of a memory and time. I still do it every once in a while to give some hope back to life, but I soon snap back into reality and know it is time to move on. If something is "ment to be, then it will happen on its own. You can throw yourself at someone's feet and wish for them to pick you up and take you in their arms, but if you have to throw yourself at them, then its not worth the begging in the first place. All that ends up happening is you get burned and they get away with it, feeling nothing of your pain. I used to be the girl doing everything I could to get a guy to notice me, only to end up getting hurt. As I think about it now, I realize how pathetic I looked doing that. I tried to be someone for them rather than having them love me for who I really am. But until you are at the very end of your life, you will still not know who you truly are. There are life lessons to be learned everyday that changes people in little ways. Those who say they are completly sure of themselves are the biggest liars out there. They are hiding from truths and making an excuse to ignore the battles. You should fight one battle everyday. Whether if it is with yourself or overcoming a roadblock, it will strengthen you as a person.
Friends are the most important people in your life. I have 2 friends that I would give my life for, if it means they live one more day of happiness. I know it might sound cheesey but it is the truth. One of them I have known since dippers and the is someone I have grown close to in the past few months. It is crazy to say that I would give my life for someone I havent even known for a year, but she saved my life in more than one way. There are things about her that reminded me of an old version of myself that I hated to be. I see her struggle over very similar obsticals that I had to once face at a younger age. But in my case no one did anything. No one noticed what I was going through. Years later, I found out my mom saw something was wrong, but still did nothing about it. I just dont want anyone to have to go through what i did, alone. I have had many friends come and go, but the ones that will stick around through thick and thin, all the bull shit and drama, the selfishness and unwanted amounts of attention, those are the friends you keep around. No one is perfect, but the friends who know how messed up the two of you are together, are the keepers.

well I must be going. Dont ever forget to smile!