New Beginings

Over the past few months I have been preparing myself for a huge step forward in my life journey. For years I have dreamed about teaching in an inner city school that strives itself on helping out those who have less resources to be successful in life. Through a friend at work, I discovered that school really exists. Among the school and other small details, I have also found an amazing man that is keeping me strong and my head forward through all this change and dreaming. I am a very lucky girl to have him in my life. As everything falls into place, I slowly realize how my dream is becoming a reality.

KIPP Philadelphia Charter School, in north Philadelphia, is now my current location to expand my education. I have already been through one week of training at the school with the school leaders and again, I am privilege to have a great school to support my development in education. They value the development of all children to and through college and have a no excuses policy. It doesn't matter your race, your SE status, or your parents background. We believe everyone deserves a chance to break the achievement gap.

It hurts me to see how many people in my life did not support my decision to help out those students who need it the most. I look at this school and my team and realize that I am no longer alone in my fight to break the achievement gap and bring value back into education. I have been dedicated to educating myself as an individual to be a good teacher, but now that I am with this team I am going to push myself harder because I have been doing a mediocre job at trying. These children don't stop fighting for their lives on a daily basis and neither should I. Education maybe the one thing that will save a child's life and I am a direct source of that for my students. I cannot and will not let them down. I look forward to meeting more of my team, students and support.

Along with support at the school, I have support in my personal life as well. Among my best friends I can now list my boy friend, Brett. Besides Rachel and Anastasia, he is the one person I turn to and trust with my thoughts, dreams, and anything else that fall in between those and more. When I told him of my dream to teach the kids in need, he didn't question my intentions, he didn't try to scold me for an idiotic idea, he didn't even try and talk me out of it. I was prepared to defend my value for education and the school and the dream of teaching, but I didn't have to. I never had to put my guard up. He praised me for having the guts to jump into this lifestyle. I knew then that he was not going to be easy to let go of. We support and balance each other very well. We are both stubborn in our ways but don't intend to change the other. We can talk for hours and still want to hear more of what the other has to say. Oh, did I mention his eyes! Beautiful eyes! I could look into them for days and be in a state of peace and tranquility. There is just something about them that makes me feel safe and sure of my feelings. He is the first guy that I could really trust what he tells me is true and not question his intentions. He is not perfect but neither am I and we love each other for the flaws we see in ourselves. All the things I have tried to change about myself are the qualities he adores about me and the same for me about him.

This princess has found her prince charming, her dream job and is ready to live happily ever after.

Guy friends

As I sit here watching When Harry Met Sally and pondering my life, I realize that all the answers are right in front of me. The movie discusses the relationships between men and women, sexual and friendly. As the movie starts, when Harry and Sally first meet and drive across country, they discuss how guys and girls cannot be just friends. There is always something else behind the curtain. As they grow and mature they grow to be best friends, at least each other's "go to" person when dealing with relationships. At this point it hits me, they are so right! I have plenty of guy friends to understand how the male mind works, and I have plenty of guy friends to realize that "just friends" is just a cover for one or both parties in the relationship. People have this need to be with someone, whether they believe it or not. However, some relationships are stronger then others. The attraction is there and it is undeniable. I ask myself, what is it that stops us from acting on these feelings if it is a mutual feeling.

The situation I am in is one of true complication. I am becoming great friends with a guy and we both know that there is more there then just a friendship. However, he has a girlfriend. They recently got back together and seem to be happy. Others who know both of them and their relationship don't think it is going to last, but I want to support him and think that he is truly happy. He tells me things that I would love to hear from a guy that can actually act his feelings. This is what makes this friendship so hard. It feels like a relationship with out the relationship. I don't know if it is ok to keep talking to him in this manner and as much as we do but it is too hard to think of letting such a great guy go. We can tell each other things without judgement and our conversations are continuous. He has said that if he wasn't with his current girlfriend, he would be with me. If that is even an option in his head, why is he even with her. I was analyzing (like I always do) the information that he has told me about them and realized his reasons for being with her involve comfort from their history and her understanding him after everything she has learned about him. He hasn't ever said its because he loves her. I don't see it there. I think it is just comfort of a familiar person. I could be wrong because I want what they have, but I am not the only to say some thing about it.

What does it take to get him with out being a home wrecker? I don't want to break them up just so I can have him, but I wouldn't mind if it happened. I want to have him as a friend if I can't have him otherwise, but its hard to lie to myself and be "just friends". Everyone else sees it too, why can't he?

silence

Love is a world I don't want to say to you. It scares me to death and those closest to me know why. I can't just throw that word around like it means something small. It means so much that I don't know if I am ready to say it to anyone but friends.

Sister

This post is for my sister. She keeps bugging me to update my blog and I am sorry that I haven't in a while. I have had a lot going on and not too much that has inspired me to write a full blog. There have been plenty of relationship issues and drama to go around, but none that were worth contaminating my blog space with. Its all negative. I have been trying to stay on a positive path and keep my head up. after reflection of how I have been affected by others, I want to stay me and be happy. That is what I love to be and talking about other people's issues seems to bring me down and second guess myself. It happened recently too and i feel like I made a fool out of myself because of it. Not to go into too much detail but I over analyzed the situation before I rationally thought of the people and events involved. It is all resolved now because I put my rational brain back on lol

On another note,for those who have read my earliest blogs, I am taking a huge risk and jumping out of the plane!!! I think I have my safety net but I am ready for someone to catch me. more on that when I know more too. :)

Well I have to get back to class. I will try and update more for you ;)
<3 you sissy poo!

COOKING!

So I have discovered this new thing called the Food Network! It is amazing stuff. I am not an addict but I do learn a lot. I have starting cooking more of my meals from scratch and they have turned out pretty good. It has helped me find healthy alternatives to things such as using a wine based sauce over a cream based sauce. Which veggies to use, or more the fact that I'm using veggies. I still use garlic in almost everything but that is something that I don't know if i can ever give up. Garlic goes great with just about everything. There are exceptions, yes, but none that I have made yet (with the exception of the obvious stuff like pb&j, but I'm talking big meals here). I perfected fried rice and pan fried chicken. I made up this amazing! red wine and basil sauce that I'm still working on and have gotten really good at getting the veggies to a 'just right' look and texture. Its not much but its a start and we all have to start somewhere.

I have a new dream to add to my list and that is to meet Gordon Ramsey and have him teaching me some cooking skills! He knows it all and i want to have the best of the best teach me what it takes for a great meal.

My next task is sea food!!!! hahahahahhahahahha ok, I can't fake that one. I will move on to salads next. No sea food for this chicky!

Customer Service

This post is a little different from my regular topics of love and life but it is life. We are consumers there for this applies to us all.
I work in the customer service industry and see a diverse group of people on a regular basis. I don't care who you are, what you look like, how much money you have, or how picky you feel you need to be, JUST BE NICE!!!! It is not that hard! Trust me! Even on my most shitty days I can have the decency to be nice to the person that I am asking to do something. If you can't be pleasant, stay home and do it yourself. You bitchy self- right attitude only make you look like an idiot. Yes, an Idiot. It means you have no manners, no sense of respect and have probably not worked a day of labor in your life. Better the world and stay home. The world is already an ugly place we don't need you adding to it. If you think your money means so much, try buying a kid a book and see what good you can actually do with a dollar rather than feeding your addicition. Its easy to do!

Torn by you

I am torn. My heart is torn. My mind is torn. I like you a lot. Or I think I do. We used to talk personals and now we just talk often. I can't tell if that is a good sign or a bad one. You left and now it hurt that your are not just a phone call away. I have to wait for you to respond to my messages and that hurts. I think that's a good thing. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. There is something I find in you that comforts me. I want to be close to you now. When I first met you, your confidence in wanting me scared me away, but I can see now that I shouldn't be scared. Not of you. Yet you still scare me. After I got to know you, I realized how good you are for me. You fit what I want so well. I want to see if you and I can keep going and go the distance. I am done playing games and I am done with others just messing with my heart. Your heart is good and your mind is dirty. There is something about you that draws me closer. After you left, it hit me harder then I could ever expect. Nothing traumatizing by any means, but enough to make me cry. You were the first guy to make me cry because I missed you not because you hurt me. Sometimes, I feel like I am telling you this too late and you are forgot that original connection. But something in me tells me I need to still try. Try for you to try for me still. I'm far but I'm not gone. I am at a turning point in my road where this can determine what bend in the road I choose. So if you ever read this, please let me know, am I too late? Or was I always too late?