Torn by you

I am torn. My heart is torn. My mind is torn. I like you a lot. Or I think I do. We used to talk personals and now we just talk often. I can't tell if that is a good sign or a bad one. You left and now it hurt that your are not just a phone call away. I have to wait for you to respond to my messages and that hurts. I think that's a good thing. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. There is something I find in you that comforts me. I want to be close to you now. When I first met you, your confidence in wanting me scared me away, but I can see now that I shouldn't be scared. Not of you. Yet you still scare me. After I got to know you, I realized how good you are for me. You fit what I want so well. I want to see if you and I can keep going and go the distance. I am done playing games and I am done with others just messing with my heart. Your heart is good and your mind is dirty. There is something about you that draws me closer. After you left, it hit me harder then I could ever expect. Nothing traumatizing by any means, but enough to make me cry. You were the first guy to make me cry because I missed you not because you hurt me. Sometimes, I feel like I am telling you this too late and you are forgot that original connection. But something in me tells me I need to still try. Try for you to try for me still. I'm far but I'm not gone. I am at a turning point in my road where this can determine what bend in the road I choose. So if you ever read this, please let me know, am I too late? Or was I always too late?

The People you meet in your Lifetime.

To be blunt- people are in our lives for a reason. Not one person is more important than the other and one is not invalid due to minor encounters. We all gain something from someone we meet.

This blog was inspired by a girl that has touched my life in many ways I could never think possible. We unfortunately are not as close as we used to be, if you could even say we are close at all anymore. But, she showed me there is more to life than being and letting others take from you everything you thought you had to offer. I am stronger now because of knowing her and I am saddened by the events that tore us apart because of the power that we had together. We scared people because our bond was so strong, but I now know it is because of a higher calling that we had to travel our separate ways. I can't explain why or how it all happened but there was a fork in our road and we each had to take a different path. Who knows, maybe they are meant to cross back over each other one day, but until then I will take what I have learned and travel forward.

There is another reason why this blog is important to me. A boy, better yet, a gentleman. The first guy that I have meet that I actually believed when he told me he has more to offer than fitting the pompous ass hole who thinks he's the "shiznit" role! (my cool word for 'all that and a bag of potato chips). I don't know what it is. Maybe the way he said it with such passion and heart that the only thing I could do was believe him, but it has opened my eyes to my cold heart and bitterness that I have held inside for a long time now. I thank God that this guy is in my life now. He is a good friend and I can see me learning a lot more of what I should want and think I want in my soul mate. Although this guy is almost my perfect guy, I honestly believe we are ment to just be friends and to allow me to learn from him as he heals from his recent heartbreak.

I have felt a huge weight lifted in my life and all I can think to do is cry because of how much hate I had stored up. I am lonely and it is my fault. I push guys away and I hurt those that I think will hurt me before they even have a chance to. It is not a healthy way to live for someone who says she wants to fall in love. I have not opened my heart up to love; I have only cut out every ounce there might have been to make sure I dont get hurt. I have met many people who could have been great but I turn them away. They were put in my life for a reason and I just pushed them away like a scared little girl.

I do have an amazing BFFITWWW though. I have told her so much that past few weeks that I have held inside that I am surpirsed she too hasn't exploded from it all. But she is the most understanding lady I know and does not judge me because of my choices. I am glad that I have her in my life to lean on and release a hundred ton of secrets and emotions on her. She has been blessed with an amazing boyfriend and I am so happy for her. They are an example that I want to model in any relationship that I might have. Love is a powerful tool in life and they have it hook line and sinker.

I want you now to think of someone in your life that has made a positive difference. Do you still talk to them? Did you ever tell them how great they are in your game of life? ............................ .....................................................................................................................Tell them again.

Age vs Experience

Which is more important: age or experience? Is it a number or resume? Is it mind or matter?

At my young age of 20 (almost 21) I have a developing knowledge of the effects that your age has on the way people react to you. Based on what we can and cannot do, we are automatically put into a category based on our age. It happens to everyone and everyone does it, whether they think they do or not. Its a human characteristic that we cannot avoid... or is it? Can we accept everyone equally and remove age from the picture? No. It cannot be done. There might be circumstances that allow for age not to matter but in order to grow as a human, age must be taken into play, just like any other animal, because that is what we are. Age is a number of cycles each of us have achieved. We go day by day growing just a little more. We might not see it or feel it but we are. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said "The years teach much which the days never knew." I have often heard people say, "those were the days" and they were, the days were great but they weren't much until you stop and realize how powerful one more day in a life time is. I am close 21 years of age and it scares me to think that I have lived for almost 7,665 days and still have no idea who I really am.

Time is not just about the hours in a day or the weeks in a month. It is about how you spend that time. Time not used is time well wasted. Go out and make something of your life. Be young and free. You only age as fast as you let yourself. There is a whole world to see. so see it.

Making a Difference

I have wanted to make a difference in some one's life now for a long time. I didn't care what kind as long as it was a good difference and I think I might have just done it. I have been helping a kid out in reading and writing and I love it. Just the other day he told me "you are a great tutor". I only thought he was saying it because we were just messing around and playing word game so I said thank you and kept going. But everyday he tells me before we leave "you are a great tutor" so I asked him, "What do you like about tutoring?" and he just stood there thinking and I was thinking, he is trying to just come up with something to say, but then he blurts "I like everything. you help me learn." and I just about cried. I was actually helping this kid. I know that is what I am there for but his teacher and mine both say we wont make a big difference for the kids, we are just trying to give them more practice. I know what practice was at that age... busy work. I hated busy work. They are telling us that we are there to give students busy work. I don't think SO! these kids need much more than that! They need understanding and clarity that no one else has the time to give to them.

Through this experience, I know have a deeper understanding of why I chose to be a teacher. I have said I want to help those who others don't but now that I have helped just one kid, I want to keep going and help them all! I know I can't do that, but helping a handful is better than none and I am ok with that. My dream is to teach in a inner city school like Detroit, NYC, or maybe LA. Every time I tell that to someone, the first things out of their mouth is something discouraging towards me or the people of the area and what it does is just give me more motivation to go there. To hear that I would be wasting my time with students who don't care gives me more strength to show any child that someone cares to help them, give them wisdom and maybe let them prove to the rest of the country that they matter too.

I have wanted to teach since 6th grade because of my math and science teacher, Mrs. Moore. I don't know what it was that make me care to be a teacher, but she did it. I want to make an impression on someones life like she has mine. She doesn't know it but she is the reason that I chose my profession. There have been many kids in my life to help confirm that I want to spend my life around teaching student but she was the spark to forest fire inside of me.

I am ready for what ever the world throws at me and I have a dream that is becoming a reality. I don't think I can ask for much more...

I wonder...

... why do people fight?

.... why do people hold grudges?

...why people fall in love?

...why do people work?

...why does there have to be a beginning?

...why do people have to think of the end?

...why people hate?

... why people judge?

... do people really believe what they say they believe?

...why do colors work?

... what it would be like to be a dinosaur...

...why do people wonder?

Perspectives...

"We are all something, but none of us are everything"
-Blaise Pascal

Each and everyone of us view life differently in every situation. Whether or not you have the same view points, agree on dynamics of a certain topic, have the same religious back ground, or none if that, or any of the little things in between. You can think that the way you interpret existence is the only correct way of being, but it is not. We are all quick to judge those who do not think, speak or act the same way. We use our own lives and opinions to make judgement calls about others, when reality tells you that you are the one in the wrong for making that judgement in the first place. It might be more of ignorance of the dynamics of social norm that is clearly nonexistent in the present day, but a judgement is a judgement none the less. Will there ever be a time where camaraderie will be valued more than just a means of being and going through the motions of life, or can we live in a place where companionship means more than just knowing someone to benefit your own means. I'm not saying that friendships are just tools to boost your self-progression, but, more or less, they are means to a happy life, for you...

A value in life that is over looked a lot is being different. We are each lively in our own ways and need to see that same dissimilarities in others. Too often people run from a situation because they feel uncomfortable around those that are different. Yet those are the people that are usually the first to judge. They keep themselves in a conservative bubble and view the radical gestures around them as wrong. Who are they to say that what the 'bubble' is doing is the right way? Who is to say that the progressives are in the right to be outside of the bubble life? The truth is both in and outside views are wrong. The reason being- they put themselves in to a category of right and wrong and separate their distinctive view points. This makes it so hard for anyone to get along and see the other side when each is shut off by a distinct barrier built on ideas. Ideas- our own thoughts and opinions- are going to be the death of all of us. Maybe not a literal death, but the climax to an ethological demise.

Harold Nicolson:
"We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts."

Guilt

“You cut up a thing that's alive and beautiful to find out how it's alive and why it's beautiful, and before you know it, it's neither of those things, and you're standing there with blood on your face and tears in your sight and only the terrible ache of guilt to show for it.”
Clive Barker quotes

Guilt is the center of all things gone wrong. You do something you know you shouldn't have, and a feeling falls upon you just in time to know what you have already done was not the right thing to do and could have been avoided. To those who feel no guilt are liars. They hide behind an excuse of excitement and deception of their own feelings. I am sure you are all thinking of something now that you have done and really wish you shouldn't have.
There was one time in elementary school when I decided to kick a boy in his"not so nice to kick" areas just to see what would happen. I am sitting here laughing at it now because there is nothing I can do to change it but I remember standing in the hall talking to the Principal and the boy being investigated for some act I committed. I was guilty and in the wrong. I fessed up to it and was sent back into the class with no harm done to me and I now longer feel guilty. Now that was innocent childhood guilt. There are other forms of guilt that can drive people to their death. Some have committed such acts but are so far beyond social moral that guilt is not a part of their emotional complex. There is nothing left for guilt to eat away at; nothing left to cause their stomach to churn as they think about what they have done. I give my sympathy to such people not because they can't feel but because they never had a chance to feel humanity working at its best. We feel things to keep us human and slightly humble. If we all felt nothing, the world would be a dark cold place. We need emotions like guilt to keep us alive and moving. It reminds us all of what it means to be imperfections in a world where we believe ourselves to be the absolute characters.
Let guilt get to you. It teaches you the difference between what I should have done and what I could have avoided. Most of the time, those who say they don't feel guilty for doing the wrong is because they are trying to prove something. But if you have to avoid guilt to make a point then the point must not be very high worth. There is always another road to follow. Some times you have to manage through an unbeaten path to avoid obstacles but there is ALWAYS another road to take. Guilt is usually at the end of the easy path, so make a path of your own and set new grounds, better grounds, for those to follow after you.

I talk about guilt today because I am guilty of sins. I have done myself wrong and I put myself in that path. No one else. I lost my strength to build a different road and now suffer from the easy way out. Yet, I feel no pain. I used to, but not anymore. The feeling of guilt is gone because I have shield myself from the outcome of emotions I used to feel. It is like sitting in a scolding hot bath. Your initial reaction is to get out as soon as you can because it hurts you. But if every time you take a bath that hot, or hotter, you get used to pain and it is no longer scalding, its just water, but now you just can't feel the pain you should.

Guilt is need to keep you human. Guilt is feeling. Next time it talks to you, really listen to it. Don't just write it off as another feeling. It is there to tell you something so listen, before you get in so deep that it burns away what you have left, but cant feel it disappearing. My point of this blog is not solely for guilt but emotion and humanity. I can no longer see humility in people because they are so guarded by their own emotions and are scared to feel what they really need to feel. There are things that hurt physically and things that hurt emotionally. Feel the hurt of emotion. Wouldn't be able to feel that hurt if it didn't mean something. Take it from someone who has lost an emotion. It hurts to know that I should be feeling low and disgraced right now but I cant feel it anymore. The scolding hot water is burning away at me and I cant feel a thing. It is Ugly! Don't let yourself get to that point. Its worth the pain to start.