Guy friends

As I sit here watching When Harry Met Sally and pondering my life, I realize that all the answers are right in front of me. The movie discusses the relationships between men and women, sexual and friendly. As the movie starts, when Harry and Sally first meet and drive across country, they discuss how guys and girls cannot be just friends. There is always something else behind the curtain. As they grow and mature they grow to be best friends, at least each other's "go to" person when dealing with relationships. At this point it hits me, they are so right! I have plenty of guy friends to understand how the male mind works, and I have plenty of guy friends to realize that "just friends" is just a cover for one or both parties in the relationship. People have this need to be with someone, whether they believe it or not. However, some relationships are stronger then others. The attraction is there and it is undeniable. I ask myself, what is it that stops us from acting on these feelings if it is a mutual feeling.

The situation I am in is one of true complication. I am becoming great friends with a guy and we both know that there is more there then just a friendship. However, he has a girlfriend. They recently got back together and seem to be happy. Others who know both of them and their relationship don't think it is going to last, but I want to support him and think that he is truly happy. He tells me things that I would love to hear from a guy that can actually act his feelings. This is what makes this friendship so hard. It feels like a relationship with out the relationship. I don't know if it is ok to keep talking to him in this manner and as much as we do but it is too hard to think of letting such a great guy go. We can tell each other things without judgement and our conversations are continuous. He has said that if he wasn't with his current girlfriend, he would be with me. If that is even an option in his head, why is he even with her. I was analyzing (like I always do) the information that he has told me about them and realized his reasons for being with her involve comfort from their history and her understanding him after everything she has learned about him. He hasn't ever said its because he loves her. I don't see it there. I think it is just comfort of a familiar person. I could be wrong because I want what they have, but I am not the only to say some thing about it.

What does it take to get him with out being a home wrecker? I don't want to break them up just so I can have him, but I wouldn't mind if it happened. I want to have him as a friend if I can't have him otherwise, but its hard to lie to myself and be "just friends". Everyone else sees it too, why can't he?

silence

Love is a world I don't want to say to you. It scares me to death and those closest to me know why. I can't just throw that word around like it means something small. It means so much that I don't know if I am ready to say it to anyone but friends.

Sister

This post is for my sister. She keeps bugging me to update my blog and I am sorry that I haven't in a while. I have had a lot going on and not too much that has inspired me to write a full blog. There have been plenty of relationship issues and drama to go around, but none that were worth contaminating my blog space with. Its all negative. I have been trying to stay on a positive path and keep my head up. after reflection of how I have been affected by others, I want to stay me and be happy. That is what I love to be and talking about other people's issues seems to bring me down and second guess myself. It happened recently too and i feel like I made a fool out of myself because of it. Not to go into too much detail but I over analyzed the situation before I rationally thought of the people and events involved. It is all resolved now because I put my rational brain back on lol

On another note,for those who have read my earliest blogs, I am taking a huge risk and jumping out of the plane!!! I think I have my safety net but I am ready for someone to catch me. more on that when I know more too. :)

Well I have to get back to class. I will try and update more for you ;)
<3 you sissy poo!

COOKING!

So I have discovered this new thing called the Food Network! It is amazing stuff. I am not an addict but I do learn a lot. I have starting cooking more of my meals from scratch and they have turned out pretty good. It has helped me find healthy alternatives to things such as using a wine based sauce over a cream based sauce. Which veggies to use, or more the fact that I'm using veggies. I still use garlic in almost everything but that is something that I don't know if i can ever give up. Garlic goes great with just about everything. There are exceptions, yes, but none that I have made yet (with the exception of the obvious stuff like pb&j, but I'm talking big meals here). I perfected fried rice and pan fried chicken. I made up this amazing! red wine and basil sauce that I'm still working on and have gotten really good at getting the veggies to a 'just right' look and texture. Its not much but its a start and we all have to start somewhere.

I have a new dream to add to my list and that is to meet Gordon Ramsey and have him teaching me some cooking skills! He knows it all and i want to have the best of the best teach me what it takes for a great meal.

My next task is sea food!!!! hahahahahhahahahha ok, I can't fake that one. I will move on to salads next. No sea food for this chicky!

Customer Service

This post is a little different from my regular topics of love and life but it is life. We are consumers there for this applies to us all.
I work in the customer service industry and see a diverse group of people on a regular basis. I don't care who you are, what you look like, how much money you have, or how picky you feel you need to be, JUST BE NICE!!!! It is not that hard! Trust me! Even on my most shitty days I can have the decency to be nice to the person that I am asking to do something. If you can't be pleasant, stay home and do it yourself. You bitchy self- right attitude only make you look like an idiot. Yes, an Idiot. It means you have no manners, no sense of respect and have probably not worked a day of labor in your life. Better the world and stay home. The world is already an ugly place we don't need you adding to it. If you think your money means so much, try buying a kid a book and see what good you can actually do with a dollar rather than feeding your addicition. Its easy to do!

Torn by you

I am torn. My heart is torn. My mind is torn. I like you a lot. Or I think I do. We used to talk personals and now we just talk often. I can't tell if that is a good sign or a bad one. You left and now it hurt that your are not just a phone call away. I have to wait for you to respond to my messages and that hurts. I think that's a good thing. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. There is something I find in you that comforts me. I want to be close to you now. When I first met you, your confidence in wanting me scared me away, but I can see now that I shouldn't be scared. Not of you. Yet you still scare me. After I got to know you, I realized how good you are for me. You fit what I want so well. I want to see if you and I can keep going and go the distance. I am done playing games and I am done with others just messing with my heart. Your heart is good and your mind is dirty. There is something about you that draws me closer. After you left, it hit me harder then I could ever expect. Nothing traumatizing by any means, but enough to make me cry. You were the first guy to make me cry because I missed you not because you hurt me. Sometimes, I feel like I am telling you this too late and you are forgot that original connection. But something in me tells me I need to still try. Try for you to try for me still. I'm far but I'm not gone. I am at a turning point in my road where this can determine what bend in the road I choose. So if you ever read this, please let me know, am I too late? Or was I always too late?

The People you meet in your Lifetime.

To be blunt- people are in our lives for a reason. Not one person is more important than the other and one is not invalid due to minor encounters. We all gain something from someone we meet.

This blog was inspired by a girl that has touched my life in many ways I could never think possible. We unfortunately are not as close as we used to be, if you could even say we are close at all anymore. But, she showed me there is more to life than being and letting others take from you everything you thought you had to offer. I am stronger now because of knowing her and I am saddened by the events that tore us apart because of the power that we had together. We scared people because our bond was so strong, but I now know it is because of a higher calling that we had to travel our separate ways. I can't explain why or how it all happened but there was a fork in our road and we each had to take a different path. Who knows, maybe they are meant to cross back over each other one day, but until then I will take what I have learned and travel forward.

There is another reason why this blog is important to me. A boy, better yet, a gentleman. The first guy that I have meet that I actually believed when he told me he has more to offer than fitting the pompous ass hole who thinks he's the "shiznit" role! (my cool word for 'all that and a bag of potato chips). I don't know what it is. Maybe the way he said it with such passion and heart that the only thing I could do was believe him, but it has opened my eyes to my cold heart and bitterness that I have held inside for a long time now. I thank God that this guy is in my life now. He is a good friend and I can see me learning a lot more of what I should want and think I want in my soul mate. Although this guy is almost my perfect guy, I honestly believe we are ment to just be friends and to allow me to learn from him as he heals from his recent heartbreak.

I have felt a huge weight lifted in my life and all I can think to do is cry because of how much hate I had stored up. I am lonely and it is my fault. I push guys away and I hurt those that I think will hurt me before they even have a chance to. It is not a healthy way to live for someone who says she wants to fall in love. I have not opened my heart up to love; I have only cut out every ounce there might have been to make sure I dont get hurt. I have met many people who could have been great but I turn them away. They were put in my life for a reason and I just pushed them away like a scared little girl.

I do have an amazing BFFITWWW though. I have told her so much that past few weeks that I have held inside that I am surpirsed she too hasn't exploded from it all. But she is the most understanding lady I know and does not judge me because of my choices. I am glad that I have her in my life to lean on and release a hundred ton of secrets and emotions on her. She has been blessed with an amazing boyfriend and I am so happy for her. They are an example that I want to model in any relationship that I might have. Love is a powerful tool in life and they have it hook line and sinker.

I want you now to think of someone in your life that has made a positive difference. Do you still talk to them? Did you ever tell them how great they are in your game of life? ............................ .....................................................................................................................Tell them again.