regrets and risks...

Life is full of risks and regrets. There is nothing any of us can do about it either. We have to take risks to get anywhere and life and we regret many choices we make along the way. Many good opportunities arise in life but most people miss out on them because they are too afraid to take the risk. There is too much of a chance to fail when taking risks. You can just off a cliff and hope your parachute works, but there is always that 1% chance that yours is the one that doesnt open, so why put yourself in any danger. Just walk away and all is fine, right? That is a question I cannot answer but regret can. Will you look back 10 years from now and think, 'I should have jumped'? how much could a simple leap change your life? Every leap changes your life path. each turn in the road will lead you to something different based on each choice made.

Have you ever risked you life for someone else's?

What risk did you take today? Do you regret it?

I ask myself these questions often. I used to live in a box. I didn't want to put myself out on the line and end up getting hurt. I still got hurt anyways. The first risk I took, broke my heart. It was a boy, I jumped for him and right before I thought I was going to land, he cut my strings and left me to fall face down. I had no idea I could hurt like that. I still feel the pain after years have past. I stopped taking risks after that. Especially, not jumping because of a boy. I was broken and torn. I lived everyday pulling myself back from a disaster. I had no one there and I regret not reaching. But at that point my "friends" still didn't care how much I hurt inside. As I learn from my very first jump, I regret blaming him for all my pain. I should have seen it coming. There were so many signs that flashed at me, telling me I was going to get hurt. I can see those signs now. I leap off a short cliff everyonce in a while to see what new tricks are out there. sometimes, you get pushed off the cliff with nothing to hold you back. But mid-fall, everyonce in awhile, someone is there to fall with you. It tends to make the crash a little more enjoyable. You can look up together and laugh at those who push you over the edge.

Life has a funny way of hidding the beauty of strength and risk. At the fork in the road, you can go right or left. To the right, there is a path covered with shrubs and rocks. To the left, there is a clear path with a smooth terrain. Most people would take the left path. Would you agree? What if you were told, at the end of the path on the right there was a pot of gold and your true love. And, at the of the left path, there is still a smooth path, flat lands ending in an average field. which path would you take then? Would you brave the dark woods and rocks slopes, or would you play it safe and follow an easy path? After finding out what the end prize is, it might be obvious what a lot of people would choose. So, why do we not take the risk in the first place. Do we always have to have to answer inorder to jump?

We see movies of superheroes fighting villans. There are movies a young woman trying to prove herslef in society. Men, defeating a whole army. Why are we not like that in real life? We too can be our own heroes, we just dont have the guts to risk it. everyone has dreams and asperations, but only a few are actually achieved. Clearly, winning the lotto is not something that happens often, but for the sake of this topic, it is not something one can control themselves. I am talking about peoples dreams to become something or someone. There are means to reach your goals and sometimes you just have to fight for them.

Today, I was talking to one of my friends who is trying to figure out what she wants to be. At first it was a teacher. recently, she has been talking about becoming a nurse. When we were talkign about it at work today, another worker and myself were telling her how competative each program is. After some disscusion, she seemed to pull herself away from those. I sucks to see people bring themselves down when they know they have to reach a requirement. It is a readable goal, but they do not have mental will to leap and try to land. She has been pushed off the cliff many times now. It just hurts to see how much she has fallen alone. I am trying to help her build up the strength to climb back up the mountain and let her jump on her own and show her, it is possible to land on your own two feet.

Risks and regrets happen everyday. You risk your life getting in a car or walk across the street. They are so habitual that you dont even realize the risk. But there is that one person that gets hit or runs off the side of the road, that changes someone else's life now. So why do we take those risks, but not the others. A car can kill you. Love can hurt but it won't end your life. Maybe thats the answer. You can't die from love. If it breaks us, we still have to go on. We are forced to fight through the pain. Same with rejection. We have to live with the feeling of not being wanted. It hurts so bad sometimes that you just want to die but you cant. you have to live with it everyday, hoping it will just go away. Hopeing you never have to feel that way agian. You have great memories but it makes you sick to think about how good it felt. Nothing is ever the same after being push. It a deathly pain that never goes away. Its life.

Never give up though. Tomorrow you could me the person who is supposed to make everything better. Tomorrow is a new day that brings new life. It is one more day past the pain. One less day with out the one who hurt you and one more day with the ones you love. Life is unpredicatable so dont think you ever have anything completely figured out, because once you figure it out the answers will change. only time can tell you what lies at the end of the path. It is your choice; The path to the right or the one to the left. Just remeber, nothing is ever the way it seems.

Youth...

Today I was asked by a friend to help be a mentor/ role model for some of the young girls she knows. I was honored to help out and meet up with them. The two young girls are not so young in thinkng. They are going to be juniors in HS and are no longer virgins. They just seem so young to me. I know when I was that age, people were losing it like it was nothing, but when you look at it a few years down the road, there is so much more to think about then relationships and life plans with a significant other. I never had a boy friend in high school I had little flings here and there, but moving around a lot doesn't really give you time for anyone. I want to be a teacher but there are certain life lessons people have to learn on their own. I can't prevent heart breaks or tell someone the secrets to get through the hardships in life. That ruins all life lessons. You have to go through the heart breaks and the extreme lows in life to value the things that are truly important. The lessons teach you who true friends are and who are the "friends" that are just using you. I have had friends ask me what they should do in situations and the only thing I can really do is stand by their side and carry them when needed and offer support. But I could never tell them what to do. It is not my role to play fate. It hurts to get broken down by those you thought you could trust. I have hit rock bottom many times, and sometimes wish it could end there. Then I realize that would be losing and letting those who do not deserve to win, have the victory. That's when I take all the strength I have left and pull myself out of the crap hole im in and keep pushing through life. People have told me they honor how I can be so confident with myself, but in reality its just me in a situation that I have conqured. I wish I could be young and nieve, or some times just nieve like the other adults around me. It seems like such a happy little place to be. I want a little relationship to be my entire life. Unfortunately, I have no control over that. I have a mind that works on its own. There are days when I cannot control the things going through my head. Simple things like two minute phone calls is extremly difficult. I grew up in a house hold where I had no youth. I had to skip that and try twice as hard as everyone else to keep up. I had to satisfy my parents and try to reach the standards my older sister set, which my parents expect me to meet as well. They told me so many times that they think they have what I do. They have NO IDEA what I go through everyday! I live a "normal" life with a pill. Off the pill, Im a nobody, a nothing to them. They can say they are proud of me, but the tone of their voice says, it was ok for now, better luck next time around.
I love my sister to death, but sometimes I wish she could spend a few days in my shoes to see how her actions have screwed my life over! Everything she has done, is exactly the things my dad was hounding me to do. She goes to his college, studied abroad, gets outstanding grades, is involved in the dorm management, has the perfect friends to bring home to the parents and, my parents never questioned her motives. I, on the other hand, go to a school studying for a mediocre proffesion, have average grades, I don't plan on studying out of the states until I get my teaching licsense, Left the dorms asap, I dont have too many friends that I like to bring home to parents because not may stay around so there is no point to introducing someone if they are just going to leave in the first place, I am constnatly questioned about boys, boose and drugs. It is such a double standard to impress the parents. Its quite funny to look at. My aunt, Dad' sister, is my "go to" girl for anything. She was the troubled sibling and I trust her because she is one of the only people that understands what I mean when venting about my padre, and stress of mental chaos. My family has no idea who I really am and I am embarassed to tell them how I really feel and who I really am. My sister started calling me FedEx after Cheaper By the Dozen came out becasue I dont fit into my family just like the little boy. The sad thing is, that family in the movie searched the entire town looking for the boy in the end. If that happened, Im pretty sure it would take days for them to nice. One of 12 was missing, I am only 1/4 of a family. If I could only be nieve.

What is love? I dont think it is anything real. no one can explain it. It just seems like a plea for people to fullfil an empty place. love only ends up killing people in the end anyways.

Intro...

This is my blog on the realities of life through my eyes. I have always need some place to put my ideas and tons of journals just never seem like enough, so I figured I would share my thoughts with others and hopefuly get feed back. Just as a forewarning, I am a horrible speller and I apologize ahead of time. I have seen many different kinds of people in my lifetime. Some of which I have grown to charish in my life and others who are complete idiots. Stupid people piss me off. A lot of people put me in the "stupid people" category only because they do not take the time to get to know me. If you do not have time for someone then you are not worth their time. I have seen so many people waste time on others, when they don't really care in the first place. That is a waste of a life and opportunity. I can honestly say that I have spent time on others, when, looking back on it, they were a waste of a memory and time. I still do it every once in a while to give some hope back to life, but I soon snap back into reality and know it is time to move on. If something is "ment to be, then it will happen on its own. You can throw yourself at someone's feet and wish for them to pick you up and take you in their arms, but if you have to throw yourself at them, then its not worth the begging in the first place. All that ends up happening is you get burned and they get away with it, feeling nothing of your pain. I used to be the girl doing everything I could to get a guy to notice me, only to end up getting hurt. As I think about it now, I realize how pathetic I looked doing that. I tried to be someone for them rather than having them love me for who I really am. But until you are at the very end of your life, you will still not know who you truly are. There are life lessons to be learned everyday that changes people in little ways. Those who say they are completly sure of themselves are the biggest liars out there. They are hiding from truths and making an excuse to ignore the battles. You should fight one battle everyday. Whether if it is with yourself or overcoming a roadblock, it will strengthen you as a person.
Friends are the most important people in your life. I have 2 friends that I would give my life for, if it means they live one more day of happiness. I know it might sound cheesey but it is the truth. One of them I have known since dippers and the is someone I have grown close to in the past few months. It is crazy to say that I would give my life for someone I havent even known for a year, but she saved my life in more than one way. There are things about her that reminded me of an old version of myself that I hated to be. I see her struggle over very similar obsticals that I had to once face at a younger age. But in my case no one did anything. No one noticed what I was going through. Years later, I found out my mom saw something was wrong, but still did nothing about it. I just dont want anyone to have to go through what i did, alone. I have had many friends come and go, but the ones that will stick around through thick and thin, all the bull shit and drama, the selfishness and unwanted amounts of attention, those are the friends you keep around. No one is perfect, but the friends who know how messed up the two of you are together, are the keepers.

well I must be going. Dont ever forget to smile!