Youth...

Today I was asked by a friend to help be a mentor/ role model for some of the young girls she knows. I was honored to help out and meet up with them. The two young girls are not so young in thinkng. They are going to be juniors in HS and are no longer virgins. They just seem so young to me. I know when I was that age, people were losing it like it was nothing, but when you look at it a few years down the road, there is so much more to think about then relationships and life plans with a significant other. I never had a boy friend in high school I had little flings here and there, but moving around a lot doesn't really give you time for anyone. I want to be a teacher but there are certain life lessons people have to learn on their own. I can't prevent heart breaks or tell someone the secrets to get through the hardships in life. That ruins all life lessons. You have to go through the heart breaks and the extreme lows in life to value the things that are truly important. The lessons teach you who true friends are and who are the "friends" that are just using you. I have had friends ask me what they should do in situations and the only thing I can really do is stand by their side and carry them when needed and offer support. But I could never tell them what to do. It is not my role to play fate. It hurts to get broken down by those you thought you could trust. I have hit rock bottom many times, and sometimes wish it could end there. Then I realize that would be losing and letting those who do not deserve to win, have the victory. That's when I take all the strength I have left and pull myself out of the crap hole im in and keep pushing through life. People have told me they honor how I can be so confident with myself, but in reality its just me in a situation that I have conqured. I wish I could be young and nieve, or some times just nieve like the other adults around me. It seems like such a happy little place to be. I want a little relationship to be my entire life. Unfortunately, I have no control over that. I have a mind that works on its own. There are days when I cannot control the things going through my head. Simple things like two minute phone calls is extremly difficult. I grew up in a house hold where I had no youth. I had to skip that and try twice as hard as everyone else to keep up. I had to satisfy my parents and try to reach the standards my older sister set, which my parents expect me to meet as well. They told me so many times that they think they have what I do. They have NO IDEA what I go through everyday! I live a "normal" life with a pill. Off the pill, Im a nobody, a nothing to them. They can say they are proud of me, but the tone of their voice says, it was ok for now, better luck next time around.
I love my sister to death, but sometimes I wish she could spend a few days in my shoes to see how her actions have screwed my life over! Everything she has done, is exactly the things my dad was hounding me to do. She goes to his college, studied abroad, gets outstanding grades, is involved in the dorm management, has the perfect friends to bring home to the parents and, my parents never questioned her motives. I, on the other hand, go to a school studying for a mediocre proffesion, have average grades, I don't plan on studying out of the states until I get my teaching licsense, Left the dorms asap, I dont have too many friends that I like to bring home to parents because not may stay around so there is no point to introducing someone if they are just going to leave in the first place, I am constnatly questioned about boys, boose and drugs. It is such a double standard to impress the parents. Its quite funny to look at. My aunt, Dad' sister, is my "go to" girl for anything. She was the troubled sibling and I trust her because she is one of the only people that understands what I mean when venting about my padre, and stress of mental chaos. My family has no idea who I really am and I am embarassed to tell them how I really feel and who I really am. My sister started calling me FedEx after Cheaper By the Dozen came out becasue I dont fit into my family just like the little boy. The sad thing is, that family in the movie searched the entire town looking for the boy in the end. If that happened, Im pretty sure it would take days for them to nice. One of 12 was missing, I am only 1/4 of a family. If I could only be nieve.

What is love? I dont think it is anything real. no one can explain it. It just seems like a plea for people to fullfil an empty place. love only ends up killing people in the end anyways.