All Cards on the Table

The other day I got my tarot cards read and surprisingly, it hit close to home. You never exect any of that sort of stuff to affect you but it did. For one of the cards she told me that there was a male in my past that hurt me. I know that can go for almost any girl for any guy but the way she said things, it was different. I had a guy that I let myself get really close to last summer. It was the most fun I had ever had with someone in a long time. It was one of the best connections I had had with a guy in a long time, if not the first real connection. We could talk about things that we had never told anyone before. It wasnt just another guy, he ment something. That doesnt happen very often for me. But with the cards on the table, the summer of my dreams became a pit in my stomach and I almost lost it. He hurt me recently, and I still dont know how to deal with it all. We never had a title so its not like I could make him a chapter in my life, but he was the guy from that summer. The best summer ever. The teller said everything I didnt want to hear.. I have to move on... I dont know how. Its like that one person died, but not really. They are still alive and kicking in their own little world leaving you in the dust. Some times you have to wait for the dust to settle to get a clear view of what was really ment to be. I am still waiting for my dust to settle. The dust cloud is so big, I still feel him next to me at night when I sleep. Any time I have a guy hold me in his arms, I just want it to be him. We fit together like that perfect shoe you wish they had in every color and never goes out of style. I had dreams and he is that guy I was looking for.
One of the things she told me was I knew this person better than most did. I could see their true colors, well I could. He was hurt and tried so hard not to show it. He would just lay there and say things out of the blue that just seemed like they had been bottled in side for a long time. He would communicate through his songs. I could always tell what kind of mood he was in because of the lyrics to the songs. I would lyrics from him al the time. They would be playful or flirty, everyonce in a while they would be angry when he had a bad day at work. Even after I left to go back to school he would send lyrics about people leaving and wishing them to come back. we had it all, we had everything but time. Its gone now. We no longer have eachother. I was cut off. Just one day out of the wild blue younder, I got the call that cut me off. He was gone. It was all gone. There was nothing I could think to do. I have nothing to turn to, no one here was there. I dont think it has all really hit me. More and more I feel broken and lost. In 2 weeks it will be a year since the last time I saw hos face in person. My birthday. Thats the day I last saw him, great Birthday present, I was left. I didnt think that would be the last time I would ever see him, but it was. We kissed goodbye like we had been doing it for years, but it was perfect. The best kiss I have ever had was that night! Nothing has ever come close to that night. We fit perfect at that point.

Ever since that goodbye, nothing has been the same. No one can ever fill those shoes. The dream is gone. I try to make a new dream to make a new reality but it just goes back to the same one. Was I supposed to leave? I had thoughts of staying for him. We talked about trying to make it work. We wanted to be together. It is all gone!

I have gone through guys trying to find something even close, and when I do, just as its getting to be good, they leave. Its all gone once again. I have a theory that life has a sick way of repeating the big events in your life. This was big and it just needs to dissapear. I need to get out of the trance and get a new life a new path with out any of the hurt.

I have great people around me right now that make me want to wake up in the morning. Friends are an essencial to life itself. But they cant fill that dream of love. You can love them and know every little thing about them but they cant fill that little void of love in your heart. I want my dreams to stop fucking up my happy times in life. I get happy and my dreams come through and fuck it all up. Not just a little blup, but a big fuck up! It hurts to want to be loved, it hurts to fall. I dont want to end up at the bottom face down again. Its not a place for anyone to be. No one deserves that.

As I lay all my cards on the table, The past comes to life. It really all happened. What's next? What do i do now? I guess there is only one thing left to do anymore... let go. I have to move forward and know that next time I lay my cards, they wont just got into another deck. they will be the perfect hand for someone. Our cards will line up and that will be the end of it. I will be happy. plain and simple... Happy!