Guilt

“You cut up a thing that's alive and beautiful to find out how it's alive and why it's beautiful, and before you know it, it's neither of those things, and you're standing there with blood on your face and tears in your sight and only the terrible ache of guilt to show for it.”
Clive Barker quotes

Guilt is the center of all things gone wrong. You do something you know you shouldn't have, and a feeling falls upon you just in time to know what you have already done was not the right thing to do and could have been avoided. To those who feel no guilt are liars. They hide behind an excuse of excitement and deception of their own feelings. I am sure you are all thinking of something now that you have done and really wish you shouldn't have.
There was one time in elementary school when I decided to kick a boy in his"not so nice to kick" areas just to see what would happen. I am sitting here laughing at it now because there is nothing I can do to change it but I remember standing in the hall talking to the Principal and the boy being investigated for some act I committed. I was guilty and in the wrong. I fessed up to it and was sent back into the class with no harm done to me and I now longer feel guilty. Now that was innocent childhood guilt. There are other forms of guilt that can drive people to their death. Some have committed such acts but are so far beyond social moral that guilt is not a part of their emotional complex. There is nothing left for guilt to eat away at; nothing left to cause their stomach to churn as they think about what they have done. I give my sympathy to such people not because they can't feel but because they never had a chance to feel humanity working at its best. We feel things to keep us human and slightly humble. If we all felt nothing, the world would be a dark cold place. We need emotions like guilt to keep us alive and moving. It reminds us all of what it means to be imperfections in a world where we believe ourselves to be the absolute characters.
Let guilt get to you. It teaches you the difference between what I should have done and what I could have avoided. Most of the time, those who say they don't feel guilty for doing the wrong is because they are trying to prove something. But if you have to avoid guilt to make a point then the point must not be very high worth. There is always another road to follow. Some times you have to manage through an unbeaten path to avoid obstacles but there is ALWAYS another road to take. Guilt is usually at the end of the easy path, so make a path of your own and set new grounds, better grounds, for those to follow after you.

I talk about guilt today because I am guilty of sins. I have done myself wrong and I put myself in that path. No one else. I lost my strength to build a different road and now suffer from the easy way out. Yet, I feel no pain. I used to, but not anymore. The feeling of guilt is gone because I have shield myself from the outcome of emotions I used to feel. It is like sitting in a scolding hot bath. Your initial reaction is to get out as soon as you can because it hurts you. But if every time you take a bath that hot, or hotter, you get used to pain and it is no longer scalding, its just water, but now you just can't feel the pain you should.

Guilt is need to keep you human. Guilt is feeling. Next time it talks to you, really listen to it. Don't just write it off as another feeling. It is there to tell you something so listen, before you get in so deep that it burns away what you have left, but cant feel it disappearing. My point of this blog is not solely for guilt but emotion and humanity. I can no longer see humility in people because they are so guarded by their own emotions and are scared to feel what they really need to feel. There are things that hurt physically and things that hurt emotionally. Feel the hurt of emotion. Wouldn't be able to feel that hurt if it didn't mean something. Take it from someone who has lost an emotion. It hurts to know that I should be feeling low and disgraced right now but I cant feel it anymore. The scolding hot water is burning away at me and I cant feel a thing. It is Ugly! Don't let yourself get to that point. Its worth the pain to start.

Regrets I can't get rid of...

I always say to never regret any thing you do. I am about to be a hypocrite. Two years ago, I was a freshman in college and just wanted to be free. I did the college thing and just had fun, flirted and took no time to see some of the best things I had in front of me. There is one person I regret the most not noticing. I am not going to mention a name because its not the name that counts but the extreme regret that I have every time I think about him. I just saw him and felt that I needed to step aside and write to you all and hope you never make the mistake that I did.

When I first got to the doors, he was one of two people that moved in early like myself. He was wearing a red baseball hat, blur t-shirt and jeans. It is nothing special but I remembre going to introduce myself and just being taken back by him. I dont know why it did not stick that year. Off and on I would want to spend every second with him and other times I could not stand to think that I liked him. He was a great guy and I could not bear to hurt him. I dont ever have luck with guys and I knew if i let us go anywhere I would hurt him. Well, either way, I hurt him. He told me that. That was one of the hardest things for me to ever hear. My heart dropped and I couldnt think of anythignto say and he walked away. I should have said something. Anything. Im sorry would be better then just standing there. Towards the end of the year we started to split ways and not talk. It was something comfortable at the time my chest hurts now to even think of how much of an idiot I was.

Last year, I saw him and we decided to try and hang out. We saw each other a few times and in this short time, I had the best kiss of my life. I was over a year of emotions built up into a few minutes. I will never forget the kiss. It is a simple act but when done right, it is beyond powerful. After that we both got busy and split ways again. I was left with more than the last time but now I have even more regret built up within that everytime is see him I just feel like crying. I want to fall at his feet and beg for his forgiveness but would be taken as a fool. I could just talk to him again but I have tried, but have not had much result. I dont know what to do, but he has a piece of me that I dont know how to get back. Not love but a connection within myself that connects me to him that I cannot turn off and give to someone else. I regret everything that I never let myself accept. I regret not opening my eyes to something beautiful. I could have had what I have been looking for my entire life and still am now that I let it go.

I want you all to give it a chance. If you have any chance at all, even if you dont think it will work out, just take it. It could be a dream come true. If you let that person walk away you could have let your dreams walk away too. To all the girls that read- Dont be affraid of getting hurt. It hurts more to know that you could be happy and let that happiness walk away then to have something great then lose it. To the guys that read this- dont give up on us. We neve kow what we want till its gone. Its a complicated system but trust me, if it is ment to be it will happen in due time. I might not end up with my prince charming but I just wish I gave him a chance. His the one who makes me a hypocrite but I am learning: you never know what is ment to be until you give it a chance.....

Like a Bird.

One day I just want to be able to fly away. Leave and go where ever I please with nothing but the wind at my tail. I want to soar high above the world and look down upon the little things. I could see the top of every mountain, soar through every cloud, graze the surface of every ocean and at the end of the day, still be free. Free from all the chaos. Free from what the life on earth brings every day. One day I am going to fly. I will be a bird and spread my wings. I will chose to run from everything but be scared of nothing. I can reach the end of the sky and fall free to the ground. I want to roam and be free. Free is something we don't really have any more. We are never truly free from anything. We all have strings that tie us down. They are sometimes people, sometimes jobs, always rules and never any fun. We have to stay in the lines and do what is told of us. We can try to run but everything stops us. If I could have the wind at my back and nothing in the world to tie me down, I would be gone. I want to travel the world, but the strings are money. I want to roam free, but boundaries tie me down. I love my strings that tie me to family and friends, but sometimes they just pull too hard and I can no longer breathe. I want my place that I call home to be only where I land. Home, the hold on my feet keeping me to the ground. If I were a bird, the world would be great. I could be shot out of the sky; at least I would die free and happy, doing what I love. Love, the ultimate bond to earth. It keeps people grounded beyond imagination. Love will bury your soul in the furthest depth of the earth. No strings are needed because love is so strong, you can not come out to breathe. Is Love what we want to keep us on the ground or is it what we find because we are too scared to fly away and be free? Can you really live alone and be happy? Or do you have to bury yourself in the ground for love to find security. Why is it that we look so hard and deep for a single emotion? Can we love and be free? Is that something achievable?

I know we can never fly away and we can never be truly free, but if you follow your own heart you will be as close as you can ever be. Do what your heart longs to do. Do not follow someone who is going to hold your heart in a jar, tied down with strings. If you want to love, then love, but only give your love to the one who will give just as much in return. If you want to fly solo, then fly solo. Do not let the little things keep you grounded, for in the end, they will be the things that destroy you. Explore. Alone or together, get out and see the tiny world. It is not as large as we imagine, yet there is so much that people never see. They are kept in the egg in which they were conceived. They still have yet to hatch and many of us die before we can truly break the shell open. Break your shell. See the light which life has to offer and roam.

If you do anything in life, do it for your freedom. Be free of all strings that tie you down. Follow the path that will lead you to an open field of endless imagination. Be a bird today. Soar. See the little things. Dream. It will show you where your journey can lead you. Act. Do what you want to do and enjoy what you do. Live. If you do anything, the least you could do is live for yourself. Everything else will fall into place. Break the strings of the puppet master and live, act, dream, soar, and explore. You, too, can be a bird today. Why wait?

"Some People's Children"

This blog entry is inspired by some recent news of a close family friend of mine. Their eldest child had their phone stolen at school. The cop at the school along with videos cameras around the school leads the authorities to one student but doesn't have enough evidence to convict them. A comment I heard about this report was "Some people's children". Isn't that the truth!? I hear that a lot now a days and always wonder, what goes through these parents head to think that it is acceptable for their children to act like that? It was never OK, is not OK now and should never be justified as OK. I'm not only talking about stealing but poor behavior in general. There is a lack of quality parenting in our society, and needs to change before we have more children growing up thinking it is permitable to steal, cheat, be violent, and execute other behaviors that are corrupting the children of following generations. My generation could have engaged enough in this demeanor, too, that creates a direct affect on those to come and those before us. I see people my age who act like five year old who think it is still adequate to conduct this sort of routine, because their parents still treat them like kids and don't have discipline. That is unacceptable in my book.

You might disagree with some parenting skills but some are just needed to raise a child properly. Discipline is the first step. I'm not saying hitting your kid is justifiable, but if they act up, an open hand to the bottom with reasonable force is appropriate. I was spanked plenty in my childhood and trust me, I deserved almost every bit of it. Now I feel like I have learned lessons through disciplined and know when behaviors are welcome and others are not. Stealing, lying or cheating are the the top three I have been taught as inappropriate no matter where or when. Manners are also a prime commodity in my book. If you don't have the common courtesy to say "please" and "thank you", then you don't deserve the reward. I have been reading a book by Ron Clark about classroom management and one of his rules is you must always say please and thank you. I think that is great. If you are given something you must say "thank you" or he would take it away. That teachs the students how to use manners in every situation. Also, you don't get what you ask for until you say please. Its that simple. Three, little, words can make a huge difference and they don't even take five seconds to say. Parents do not teach the simple things any more. What has caused this shift in parenting? There are great parents out there still, but they are scarce. It is great to see a kid that is well behaved, respectful and uses manners. I was walking out of the DMV a few months back and a boy, no older then twleve, held the door for me. I was in such awe that I almost for got to say thank you. I wanted to just stand there and see how long it took to wake up from the dream. It is terrifying to think that such a tiny gesture brought out so much inner emotion. I applaud the family for that young boy for teaching him manners and chivalry. Not beacuse I feel the need to be waited on but it is common curtosy to hold a door open, but is a rare occurance in this day and age. Where have all the children like that gone? When did it become cool to be the jerk and disrespectful?

I have had discussions with several friends about how they were raised. The ones that have a good head on their shoulders and know the rights from the wrong and know what boundaries are, were disciplined. The others, who were merely scolded, they are not aware of reality and life principles. There is a major separation between those who grew up with a highly disciplined family and those who didn't. Neither of which are better than the other if carried out properly. Some people learn rights and wrongs through verbal action, and others need something more tangible to understand.

"Some people's children". What kind of child do you see when that phrase is uttered? Is it your child? Is it someone else's child that you know? Was it you...? OR is it still you? If you answered "yes"to the latter, you would be correct. Not all of us have been raised where every single one of our actions are approved by others. To them we were raised incorrectly, but does that mean we were? Or is there truly a way that is the right and wrong way to parent?

I know I am going back and forth with the idea of proper parenting from my introducton, but like I said, does that mean what I grew up was the right way. For me, yes. Others probably couldn't handle it. I do believe there is a wrong way to parent but there will never be one flawless way of parenting. I must also make a note to those who grew up with multiple parenting styles, as well. These are the children who, first, have parents that do not agree on a parenting style so are torn between the caregivers, or second, parents are divorced and re-married so the step-guardian introduces a new breed of conduct into the household. We are all exposed to different envirnments growing up which creates different perspectives on what we believe to be right and wrong. When you walk around today, look around you. What do you see people doing? What do you see kids doing? What are the parents doing? Reflect on what has brought you to where you are today. Are you the kind of person you want others to see. Are you the rude one or the respectable one? You should be able to look at yourself and say you like who you have become or have been brought up to be. If not then start raising yourself. I had to do some work on myself to be who I am. I make sure I use my manners and know that nothing is always gonig to go my way, so dont expect it or throw a fit if it isnt your way. None of us are perfect and neither are our parents, but it never hurts to try and be the perfect person you want to be.

~The Magic Words will be the start of true bliss!

The Mirror made simple.

Have you looked in the mirror today? Chances are you have. What did you see in the mirror? Yourself I would assume, but what else? Anything? Was it just you? Was really you?

When we look in the mirror, we hardly ever take the time, if any, to look at the person who looks back at us. We can see what it is on the outside that everyone else can see, but rarely look past that. Next time you look in the mirror, I want you to take the time to look past the reflection, and go deep into the eyes, heart, and soul. Find out who is it that you see everyday looking back at you. You be thinking this is ridiculous, I already know who I am. But do we really have a clue to who we really are until our life is over? Things in life change everyday. Whether it is a new job, meeting new people, etc. Look at how you got to where you are today. Why do you do the things you do? Were you influenced by others to act the way you do, the way you look, or even the way you talk? We all pick up habits from others if we see it or not. You can look at a close group of friends and see similar character tendencies between each of them. They tend to talk the same, wear the same clothes, and enjoy the same things. But have we ever thought of how we get to that point. We didn't always talk in slang, wear that style or listen to similar music. We all change. This is why we need to take the time to look in the mirror. DO not just look at the reflection but go deeper. Look at your hair, your clothes. What does that all mean to you. Go beyond that now and understand what makes you tick. Do you put on the clothes you do because of others or your own personal pleasure. What is it that makes you keeping going from day to. Why can you walk down the street everyday and be you (if you are even being you). Yes, it is possible to live everyday and not be yourself. We have all put on some sort of front at a point in our lives. Some people live everyday for others and some don't even know how to live the day for themselves. It is OK to be selfish every once in a while and take you time. The time you get to be you and only you. You do nothing for any one's pleasure, it doesn't matter how you look or even talk. Just be yourself. You should do something you love. Something that will make you wake up the next morning and be grateful that you are blessed with a new day. Take time to find out who you really are and why you can call yourself "me".

I was talking to my roommate recently and we discussed life. Our main point of the conversation was about how girls seemed reliant to find the man of their dreams today. The group of girls I am referring to are young college aged women who have their who life ahead of them still. Why are they set on finding that perfect guy now? Is who we are determined by who we have at our side? I hear all the time "why is he with her?" sort of remarks. Does it really matter why he is with her? A lot of times I hear it in context of jealousy, which makes perfect sense, but I also hear it from people sitting around a table when we are out to dinner about someone across the room. What makes the human mind so quick to judge? We are all guilty of it. Vanity emphasised in the media, fashion, personalities of the girls scripted on TV. It is everywhere. We are bred to be vain. It is the American way of life and the world can see it, but that does not bother us.

The image of "self" has been demolished through modern ideals and imperfections. Who are you really. GO, find yourself. you are inside somewhere and don't be afraid of who you are are what people think of the real you. There will always be someone there to be your mirror. Just don't let what others want you to be, to become your reflection. The world gets boring when everyone conforms. Be the one that is different, be you.

There are at least two kinds of cowards. One kind always lives with himself, afraid to face the world. The other kind lives with the world, afraid to face himself. ~Roscoe Snowden

A little something I like to call impulse anger...

A boy just told me I shouldnt have fallen for him because he didn't want to break my heart. He was so concerned about not wanted to break my heart that all I could do was laugh. I thought he might listened when we talked many times before but I guess he just didn't hear me. I have nothing left to break. I had to stop him on our walk and look him in the eyes and tell him to stop worry about breaking my heart because I have a wall there that not many people can really get through. He thought he got through that wall! Really?! yes I liked him but there are many other aspects of the relationship we had that did not give him the right to assume he could break through that layer. I am done with every thing they have to offer. They dont deserve any of it. any of me anything that I might have that they might think they want. They wont get any of it! twenty years of almost good enough is bull shit! I hear things like 'wow i cant believe you are still single.' 'you are a great person but I just cant.' or the best one thus far...'you are great and we have something amazing betweeen us, but I would rather date a girl i work with.' WHAT!!!!? really? I am done and over all of them! they are worth nothing and do no good for anything. They are all the same. Power hungry, pigs who dont know how to use the head on their shoulders for anything decent. It is all just a waste of space, time, money, energy and a life. there is no point. All they do is ruin lives! plain and simple!

A few days later-
So I decided to edit this blog and add an extra commentary as a reflection emotions and impluse feels that many of us tend to have. More than likely, in a situation of stress, anger, sorrow, ect. we tend to act on impulse feelings rather than taking the extra second to realize what we are about to get ourselves into. What I published above was just that. I had so much built up in me that I didnt take time to think about what I ws really writting. I am clearly not going to give up on love or men. They are an essensial to many great things in the world, like family and protection. There are times where I feel, yes, they are ass holes, but girls are also bitches too, so it all works out in the end. If we take time to put things into perspective, things would go a lot smoother and there would be less pain in the end. And this isn't just talking about love, it is all decisions in general.
I took the time last night to talk to this other that he is trying to get to know as well and realized that she is a pretty decent girl. I dont know her well enough to rant and rave but she seems like a nice girl. I dont blame him for being attracted to her because she does have a well rounded personality. I am happy if he is happy with his what he chose. I just needed an answer and the answer I got was not what I was hoping for, so it took be back. I am just happy and greatful now that someone finally gave me a straight up no, rather than trying to beat around the bush. It helps a lot to know where a person stands, and this boy and I are still very close. Nothing has really changed. It is an odd situation but it works for me some how. One of my best friends told me to never give up on him, and I dont know if i will. I will always be happy to be his friend. If it never get to be more than that, then that is just fine with me.
We should always learn something from someone and from him, I found a place in my heart that I know what I really want now. Our little discution opened my eyes to what I have been looking for and what is really out there that will make me truly happy. I found the fantacy and it didnt work out. Now it is time to move forward and find reality in true love and happiness. It may not be perfect along the way, but I will take the gifts given to me along the way. I have so much more in life I want to do for myself and with others. There is no need to dwell on the past, it cannot be changed. Look to the future because that is where the answers lie.

I just deleted an entire paragraph of blah! I have no creative juice in me, I have no energy to try and make something up and I am drinking away the to nothing. This is my life right now. Full of nothing! It is work, school, and some sleep. Even over summer I had work and school. That is my life and before you know it work is going to be school. Dont get me wrong, i am excited to be a teacher, but is that really all I am going to have in my life is school and work?
I long for so much more everyday but there nothing there to grab onto. This is going to be a short post to represent how much nothing-ness I have right now. There is NOTHING!!!!! just blank space in my mind doing nothing! BAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Parents

We all have a story of our parents. Whether they were in our lives or not , we all have some sort of idea what a parent is. Parents have been the focal point of many of my conversations lately, mine as well as other's parents. I am blessed to have two great parents who raised me to be an honorable, responsible young woman. It was a tough growing up, but those of us who didn't have a perfect childhood (that would be no one) can relate. We all take after our parents whether we like it or not. It is one of those things we cannot avoid.
Over the past few years of living out of my parents house, I notice more and more the little things I have picked up from each parent. I have a few of my mom's nervous habits and diagnostic tendencies and my father blunt humor and style of how I meet new people. Things start to come together a little more when you are on the outside. I see the things that drove me crazy now. It is like watching a play by play of a movie of my life every time I am around my parents. All the things that I hated when living at home are all still there, just now I can walk away from them and go to my house and be in a state of peace.... well for the most part. The idea that I would turn out to be like my mother of father haunts me. I don't want to be them. I don't need to have the habits or personalities they do. I am my own person.
I see others who are still under the curse of the parental power. They go home dreading the little things that go on in the normal home for them. A girl that is really close to me still lives at home. She hates every bit of it but cant move out (reasons unrelated to this topic). I watch her and her mother interact and they are exactly the same but they drive each other crazy! I almost made the mistake of telling her she is exactly like her mother but quickly stopped myself before I lost an eye or two. Neither of them see the source of their frustrations, which is the funniest thing to me on the out side. I would bet ten bucks, once she moves out, all of her stress and bickering and all of it will disappear. However, I don't see that happening anytime soon.
There are others ( such as my sister) who know how to feed into the developmental presses called perfection. I know no one out there is perfect but to parents, there is. The perfect is one who knows how to counter-act the personality of each parent in a way to save them from the burden of scolding. My sister has my mom's perfected. My mom needs protection and being taken care of and my sister is a care giver. My dad on the other hand, well lets just say when my sister starts caring a little too much, I think he feels threatened and they do not need to be in the same room when that happens. They fight for the power of the house.On my end, I just laughed because 90% of the time they would argue over nothing just to try and prove a point. I would jump in every once in a while to try and stir things up a bit. I learned fast though that it is not a good idea to say to either of them, "you do nothing around the house". Apparently, the was the wrong thing to say. I got roped into a tornado of word thrashing that I was no where ready for. I look back on it now and see the stupidity of it all. However, time and time again, every time we are all together someone has to seek out their territory. Nothing really does change I guess, you just get less of it when you no longer live at home. That is one of the greatest breaks of all.

Each of the little things we carry down from parent to offspring makes up the life we know. It creates diversity in the world. Some of it is good but many times, personalities just do not make great diversity. I have seen those who have similar personalities bump heads more than those who have different personalities. I might be one of those yin and yang things where people fit just right together, while those who are similar are more like oil and water. They just do not mix. One person has to be the one on top and there can only be one. That might be a horrible example but you get my point. (If you don't, go to the kitchen right now and pour a splash of water and splash of oil in to a cup and see what happens.)

We cannot escape our past and it will stick with us in our future. We can't expect our lives to be perfect and we cant look to our parents as every problem of our existence because we have power over our own bodies to make the difference we want to see in ourselves. We might pick up the habits of our parents but it means they just gave us enough of them to get through life, or at least part of it. Thank them for the good things you got from them and forgive them for everything else you don't agree with. They are your elders but you need to be yourself and someone else's elder one day, so don't let their hurt get the best of you.

Live Laugh Love~

The ones who come and go...

Lately, I have heard people talk about the people you need in your life. I have said many times before, the ones you need in your life are the ones who stick around and show you they need you in theirs. I know how cliche that sounds but it is the honest truth. Im sure we have all been hurt by the ones who leave. It is normal. It is safe to assume it hurt because you left a part of you with that person. Im not only refering to lovers but friends as well. In a life time, we all see friends come and go as we change throughout out lives. Its normal and happens to everyone. As mush as we dont like it, getting hurt from those who leave is the best ways to learn life lessons. Like people say, you never know what you have until it's gone. Look back at those in your life that it has hurt to lose. What did you learn from them? Did it change the way you now live your life? I had a great talk with a co-worker and mentor about my life and the hurt I have had. I know it is not as bad as some but for my life, it changes the way I see others. That is a lesson. During this talk, I brought up a recent boy I was with and how he just stopped talking to me. I brought up the point that it did not hurt that he left. I was numb. I was hurt but only because, I had left a part of me with him and it no longer hurt ti just let it go. I am so used to guys leaving that it did not hurt. Has life become a one man game? Are we all just here for one another's needs then leave? People are hear to teach us lessons. We may never know what purpose some people have in our lives until much later, or may never know. Or we might have been their lives to teach them a lesson. Never take the people in your life for granted.
For example, there has been a guy at work gossiping about me and my best friend and it is making us furious. I have started to have feelings of disgust towards him and being very bitter. If you know me, I am hardly ever a bitter person. I realized, he was the guy who practically got me the job. With this job, I met my best friend and someone else I can share my life story with and know she can relate. If I had never met that guy, I would be in a place of hate and misery. They have helped me through the past few months in ways they will never know or understand. I owe that guy my life at this point. I realized, he was in my life to help me find two saints and he doesnt even know it. He is about to leave the store, probably because he has nothing more to do there. He has helped all he was supposed to and his life journey is moving forwards.
I think people come and go from our lives at the exact right times. We may not think it but, fate has a way of making things work out in the end. The song of my choice right now is "Second Chance" by Shinedown. It talks about leaving the ones you love, can be the best things for you. It has personal meaning, not only because it is exactly what I did, but I have seen so many relationships mended by leaving. There have been parent-child relationships fixed, friendships change for the better, and love can be found.
I'm not saying when the going gets to leave. That defeats the purpose of growth. I want you to take from this: the ones you have, the ones you have lost, and the ones you have yet to change your life. Dont be affraid to get hurt. Taking chances can be the best things for you. No one ever got far in life waiting for the candle to light itself. You have to light the candle to see the beauty around you. Sometimes the flame will burn out but all you have to do is light it back up. You can see so much more with the light in your hand, than with none at all.
Let others know when they have blessed your life. They should know that they have done good in their life. It is a satisfaction that is indescribable. Everyone deserves to know why they were in your life.

All Cards on the Table

The other day I got my tarot cards read and surprisingly, it hit close to home. You never exect any of that sort of stuff to affect you but it did. For one of the cards she told me that there was a male in my past that hurt me. I know that can go for almost any girl for any guy but the way she said things, it was different. I had a guy that I let myself get really close to last summer. It was the most fun I had ever had with someone in a long time. It was one of the best connections I had had with a guy in a long time, if not the first real connection. We could talk about things that we had never told anyone before. It wasnt just another guy, he ment something. That doesnt happen very often for me. But with the cards on the table, the summer of my dreams became a pit in my stomach and I almost lost it. He hurt me recently, and I still dont know how to deal with it all. We never had a title so its not like I could make him a chapter in my life, but he was the guy from that summer. The best summer ever. The teller said everything I didnt want to hear.. I have to move on... I dont know how. Its like that one person died, but not really. They are still alive and kicking in their own little world leaving you in the dust. Some times you have to wait for the dust to settle to get a clear view of what was really ment to be. I am still waiting for my dust to settle. The dust cloud is so big, I still feel him next to me at night when I sleep. Any time I have a guy hold me in his arms, I just want it to be him. We fit together like that perfect shoe you wish they had in every color and never goes out of style. I had dreams and he is that guy I was looking for.
One of the things she told me was I knew this person better than most did. I could see their true colors, well I could. He was hurt and tried so hard not to show it. He would just lay there and say things out of the blue that just seemed like they had been bottled in side for a long time. He would communicate through his songs. I could always tell what kind of mood he was in because of the lyrics to the songs. I would lyrics from him al the time. They would be playful or flirty, everyonce in a while they would be angry when he had a bad day at work. Even after I left to go back to school he would send lyrics about people leaving and wishing them to come back. we had it all, we had everything but time. Its gone now. We no longer have eachother. I was cut off. Just one day out of the wild blue younder, I got the call that cut me off. He was gone. It was all gone. There was nothing I could think to do. I have nothing to turn to, no one here was there. I dont think it has all really hit me. More and more I feel broken and lost. In 2 weeks it will be a year since the last time I saw hos face in person. My birthday. Thats the day I last saw him, great Birthday present, I was left. I didnt think that would be the last time I would ever see him, but it was. We kissed goodbye like we had been doing it for years, but it was perfect. The best kiss I have ever had was that night! Nothing has ever come close to that night. We fit perfect at that point.

Ever since that goodbye, nothing has been the same. No one can ever fill those shoes. The dream is gone. I try to make a new dream to make a new reality but it just goes back to the same one. Was I supposed to leave? I had thoughts of staying for him. We talked about trying to make it work. We wanted to be together. It is all gone!

I have gone through guys trying to find something even close, and when I do, just as its getting to be good, they leave. Its all gone once again. I have a theory that life has a sick way of repeating the big events in your life. This was big and it just needs to dissapear. I need to get out of the trance and get a new life a new path with out any of the hurt.

I have great people around me right now that make me want to wake up in the morning. Friends are an essencial to life itself. But they cant fill that dream of love. You can love them and know every little thing about them but they cant fill that little void of love in your heart. I want my dreams to stop fucking up my happy times in life. I get happy and my dreams come through and fuck it all up. Not just a little blup, but a big fuck up! It hurts to want to be loved, it hurts to fall. I dont want to end up at the bottom face down again. Its not a place for anyone to be. No one deserves that.

As I lay all my cards on the table, The past comes to life. It really all happened. What's next? What do i do now? I guess there is only one thing left to do anymore... let go. I have to move forward and know that next time I lay my cards, they wont just got into another deck. they will be the perfect hand for someone. Our cards will line up and that will be the end of it. I will be happy. plain and simple... Happy!

regrets and risks...

Life is full of risks and regrets. There is nothing any of us can do about it either. We have to take risks to get anywhere and life and we regret many choices we make along the way. Many good opportunities arise in life but most people miss out on them because they are too afraid to take the risk. There is too much of a chance to fail when taking risks. You can just off a cliff and hope your parachute works, but there is always that 1% chance that yours is the one that doesnt open, so why put yourself in any danger. Just walk away and all is fine, right? That is a question I cannot answer but regret can. Will you look back 10 years from now and think, 'I should have jumped'? how much could a simple leap change your life? Every leap changes your life path. each turn in the road will lead you to something different based on each choice made.

Have you ever risked you life for someone else's?

What risk did you take today? Do you regret it?

I ask myself these questions often. I used to live in a box. I didn't want to put myself out on the line and end up getting hurt. I still got hurt anyways. The first risk I took, broke my heart. It was a boy, I jumped for him and right before I thought I was going to land, he cut my strings and left me to fall face down. I had no idea I could hurt like that. I still feel the pain after years have past. I stopped taking risks after that. Especially, not jumping because of a boy. I was broken and torn. I lived everyday pulling myself back from a disaster. I had no one there and I regret not reaching. But at that point my "friends" still didn't care how much I hurt inside. As I learn from my very first jump, I regret blaming him for all my pain. I should have seen it coming. There were so many signs that flashed at me, telling me I was going to get hurt. I can see those signs now. I leap off a short cliff everyonce in a while to see what new tricks are out there. sometimes, you get pushed off the cliff with nothing to hold you back. But mid-fall, everyonce in awhile, someone is there to fall with you. It tends to make the crash a little more enjoyable. You can look up together and laugh at those who push you over the edge.

Life has a funny way of hidding the beauty of strength and risk. At the fork in the road, you can go right or left. To the right, there is a path covered with shrubs and rocks. To the left, there is a clear path with a smooth terrain. Most people would take the left path. Would you agree? What if you were told, at the end of the path on the right there was a pot of gold and your true love. And, at the of the left path, there is still a smooth path, flat lands ending in an average field. which path would you take then? Would you brave the dark woods and rocks slopes, or would you play it safe and follow an easy path? After finding out what the end prize is, it might be obvious what a lot of people would choose. So, why do we not take the risk in the first place. Do we always have to have to answer inorder to jump?

We see movies of superheroes fighting villans. There are movies a young woman trying to prove herslef in society. Men, defeating a whole army. Why are we not like that in real life? We too can be our own heroes, we just dont have the guts to risk it. everyone has dreams and asperations, but only a few are actually achieved. Clearly, winning the lotto is not something that happens often, but for the sake of this topic, it is not something one can control themselves. I am talking about peoples dreams to become something or someone. There are means to reach your goals and sometimes you just have to fight for them.

Today, I was talking to one of my friends who is trying to figure out what she wants to be. At first it was a teacher. recently, she has been talking about becoming a nurse. When we were talkign about it at work today, another worker and myself were telling her how competative each program is. After some disscusion, she seemed to pull herself away from those. I sucks to see people bring themselves down when they know they have to reach a requirement. It is a readable goal, but they do not have mental will to leap and try to land. She has been pushed off the cliff many times now. It just hurts to see how much she has fallen alone. I am trying to help her build up the strength to climb back up the mountain and let her jump on her own and show her, it is possible to land on your own two feet.

Risks and regrets happen everyday. You risk your life getting in a car or walk across the street. They are so habitual that you dont even realize the risk. But there is that one person that gets hit or runs off the side of the road, that changes someone else's life now. So why do we take those risks, but not the others. A car can kill you. Love can hurt but it won't end your life. Maybe thats the answer. You can't die from love. If it breaks us, we still have to go on. We are forced to fight through the pain. Same with rejection. We have to live with the feeling of not being wanted. It hurts so bad sometimes that you just want to die but you cant. you have to live with it everyday, hoping it will just go away. Hopeing you never have to feel that way agian. You have great memories but it makes you sick to think about how good it felt. Nothing is ever the same after being push. It a deathly pain that never goes away. Its life.

Never give up though. Tomorrow you could me the person who is supposed to make everything better. Tomorrow is a new day that brings new life. It is one more day past the pain. One less day with out the one who hurt you and one more day with the ones you love. Life is unpredicatable so dont think you ever have anything completely figured out, because once you figure it out the answers will change. only time can tell you what lies at the end of the path. It is your choice; The path to the right or the one to the left. Just remeber, nothing is ever the way it seems.

Youth...

Today I was asked by a friend to help be a mentor/ role model for some of the young girls she knows. I was honored to help out and meet up with them. The two young girls are not so young in thinkng. They are going to be juniors in HS and are no longer virgins. They just seem so young to me. I know when I was that age, people were losing it like it was nothing, but when you look at it a few years down the road, there is so much more to think about then relationships and life plans with a significant other. I never had a boy friend in high school I had little flings here and there, but moving around a lot doesn't really give you time for anyone. I want to be a teacher but there are certain life lessons people have to learn on their own. I can't prevent heart breaks or tell someone the secrets to get through the hardships in life. That ruins all life lessons. You have to go through the heart breaks and the extreme lows in life to value the things that are truly important. The lessons teach you who true friends are and who are the "friends" that are just using you. I have had friends ask me what they should do in situations and the only thing I can really do is stand by their side and carry them when needed and offer support. But I could never tell them what to do. It is not my role to play fate. It hurts to get broken down by those you thought you could trust. I have hit rock bottom many times, and sometimes wish it could end there. Then I realize that would be losing and letting those who do not deserve to win, have the victory. That's when I take all the strength I have left and pull myself out of the crap hole im in and keep pushing through life. People have told me they honor how I can be so confident with myself, but in reality its just me in a situation that I have conqured. I wish I could be young and nieve, or some times just nieve like the other adults around me. It seems like such a happy little place to be. I want a little relationship to be my entire life. Unfortunately, I have no control over that. I have a mind that works on its own. There are days when I cannot control the things going through my head. Simple things like two minute phone calls is extremly difficult. I grew up in a house hold where I had no youth. I had to skip that and try twice as hard as everyone else to keep up. I had to satisfy my parents and try to reach the standards my older sister set, which my parents expect me to meet as well. They told me so many times that they think they have what I do. They have NO IDEA what I go through everyday! I live a "normal" life with a pill. Off the pill, Im a nobody, a nothing to them. They can say they are proud of me, but the tone of their voice says, it was ok for now, better luck next time around.
I love my sister to death, but sometimes I wish she could spend a few days in my shoes to see how her actions have screwed my life over! Everything she has done, is exactly the things my dad was hounding me to do. She goes to his college, studied abroad, gets outstanding grades, is involved in the dorm management, has the perfect friends to bring home to the parents and, my parents never questioned her motives. I, on the other hand, go to a school studying for a mediocre proffesion, have average grades, I don't plan on studying out of the states until I get my teaching licsense, Left the dorms asap, I dont have too many friends that I like to bring home to parents because not may stay around so there is no point to introducing someone if they are just going to leave in the first place, I am constnatly questioned about boys, boose and drugs. It is such a double standard to impress the parents. Its quite funny to look at. My aunt, Dad' sister, is my "go to" girl for anything. She was the troubled sibling and I trust her because she is one of the only people that understands what I mean when venting about my padre, and stress of mental chaos. My family has no idea who I really am and I am embarassed to tell them how I really feel and who I really am. My sister started calling me FedEx after Cheaper By the Dozen came out becasue I dont fit into my family just like the little boy. The sad thing is, that family in the movie searched the entire town looking for the boy in the end. If that happened, Im pretty sure it would take days for them to nice. One of 12 was missing, I am only 1/4 of a family. If I could only be nieve.

What is love? I dont think it is anything real. no one can explain it. It just seems like a plea for people to fullfil an empty place. love only ends up killing people in the end anyways.

Intro...

This is my blog on the realities of life through my eyes. I have always need some place to put my ideas and tons of journals just never seem like enough, so I figured I would share my thoughts with others and hopefuly get feed back. Just as a forewarning, I am a horrible speller and I apologize ahead of time. I have seen many different kinds of people in my lifetime. Some of which I have grown to charish in my life and others who are complete idiots. Stupid people piss me off. A lot of people put me in the "stupid people" category only because they do not take the time to get to know me. If you do not have time for someone then you are not worth their time. I have seen so many people waste time on others, when they don't really care in the first place. That is a waste of a life and opportunity. I can honestly say that I have spent time on others, when, looking back on it, they were a waste of a memory and time. I still do it every once in a while to give some hope back to life, but I soon snap back into reality and know it is time to move on. If something is "ment to be, then it will happen on its own. You can throw yourself at someone's feet and wish for them to pick you up and take you in their arms, but if you have to throw yourself at them, then its not worth the begging in the first place. All that ends up happening is you get burned and they get away with it, feeling nothing of your pain. I used to be the girl doing everything I could to get a guy to notice me, only to end up getting hurt. As I think about it now, I realize how pathetic I looked doing that. I tried to be someone for them rather than having them love me for who I really am. But until you are at the very end of your life, you will still not know who you truly are. There are life lessons to be learned everyday that changes people in little ways. Those who say they are completly sure of themselves are the biggest liars out there. They are hiding from truths and making an excuse to ignore the battles. You should fight one battle everyday. Whether if it is with yourself or overcoming a roadblock, it will strengthen you as a person.
Friends are the most important people in your life. I have 2 friends that I would give my life for, if it means they live one more day of happiness. I know it might sound cheesey but it is the truth. One of them I have known since dippers and the is someone I have grown close to in the past few months. It is crazy to say that I would give my life for someone I havent even known for a year, but she saved my life in more than one way. There are things about her that reminded me of an old version of myself that I hated to be. I see her struggle over very similar obsticals that I had to once face at a younger age. But in my case no one did anything. No one noticed what I was going through. Years later, I found out my mom saw something was wrong, but still did nothing about it. I just dont want anyone to have to go through what i did, alone. I have had many friends come and go, but the ones that will stick around through thick and thin, all the bull shit and drama, the selfishness and unwanted amounts of attention, those are the friends you keep around. No one is perfect, but the friends who know how messed up the two of you are together, are the keepers.

well I must be going. Dont ever forget to smile!